Poetic Relapse.

Nothingness

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yes there are things I want to do but sometimes I just don't have to energy or motivation to get them done or there's too many things and I can decide which one needs to be taken priority for. I need to graduate, but I need to work and I want to go into hair styling but then I also want to do design and I need to save up money for both of them but then I keep wasting my money on frivolous things that don't take my attention for long enough to be considered worth it. I need to get my mental health in check but never make the time to do so, and I need to take control of my relationship with my mother and patch up my relationship ship with my father but none of these things seem to be getting done and I have no idea what to do first because nothing seems worth doing anymore. I wake up, go to work for five to eight hours at a time, smoke some cigarettes, go back to work, go home, smoke some more cigarettes, listen to some shitty music that reflects nothing and then I go to bed and repeat the cycle or I go to school, smoke some cigarettes, go home, smoke some more cigarettes, get stressed out because I'm falling behind, smoke some more cigarettes and then go to bed and repeat THAT cycle and nothing seems worth the stress. I don't know what I'm doing apart from droning through my day like a robot, making zero difference in the world by just simply existing but not doing anything beside coexisting with my fellow peers and I'm not learning anything new. Nothing seems to do the trick and nothing is changing and I've become accustomed to this nothingness and I relish in the days I do ABSOLUTELY nothing so the other nothingness that I do fades into the distance of nothingness and nothing seems worth it.

Helping myself is a priority that should be might higher than others but what happens when I care more about the money I make than my own mental stability?