Ups and Downs

31st December 2014

Silence.

She isn't here, like she normally is. She can't get out. I blocked the door so they can't come get me and take me back to my prison. I made a barricade. It's strong. So I sit alone on the edge, swinging my legs in the air and listening to the howling of the wind. Mama sits beside me, almost opaque in the fading sun. Light streams through her still, no matter how strong the drugs are. When she put her hand on mine, it goes through and I can't feel any warmth.

"Hi mama," I say.

"Hi darling," she answers.

"Does it hurt, mama? Does it?"

"Not at all. Easier than falling asleep."

"You aren't ashamed, are you?"

"Of you, darling? Never. I could never be ashamed of you."

"I'm ashamed of me."

"This hurt you feel, darling... I know it's painful and I know you want it to go away but... Is this the answer?"

"No one loves me."

"Someone does. It may not seem like it but someone does."

"If they did, they wouldn't have sent me here. They wouldn't have made me come here at all."

"They're trying to help, darling. It's what they do best."

"They give me drugs, mama. The drugs give me nightmares, horrible, horrible nightmares. They feed me when I don't want to be fed. They lock me in my room. I see things, see you. I know it's my brain but it hurts, mama, it really hurts."

"I know, darling. Just let them help you."

"But..."

"Let them help you. They're doing it because they love you. And most of all, remember that I love you very much, even if I'm not around to say it."

Then she is gone and my heart leaps as I realise the height. Slowly, I bring my legs up from the abyss and crawl away from the danger. I shake uncontrollably and my eyes stream with tears I do not feel. I curl up and wait for them to come because that is what she told me to do.

I have to listen to mama.