Ups and Downs

4th July 2014

"So... the diary..."

I did bad and I can see she doesn't want to be too harsh but I can feel her disappointment radiating off her. I am very ashamed. I thought I had it under control. Depression is deceptive like that.

"I'm sorry. It was a bad day. I didn't mean... I felt... I... Sorry."

"What happened Ian?"

"Um... It was a good day. At first. I had a shower and went to feed the ducks... I had some stale bread that they could eat..."

"And?"

"When I got there, the ducks... they were really happy to see me... but the sounds... everything got so loud and... I vomited, on the ground... And some girls they started to laugh at me so I ran home and I saw the book and I was so, so angry..."

"So you burnt it?"

"Only some of it. The good days."

I am full of shame. I could have hurt myself or more scarily, someone else. It was very, very stupid. I hate myself for it.

"I won't do it again! I can... I can do better. Be better."

"When was the last time someone visited you? Family? Friends?"

"They can't visit much. They live so far away and when they do come, they tell me I'm being stupid and that I need to get a job. They seem to think I just want attention."

She jots notes down. "What about your cleaner?"

"I fired her."

"Why?"

"She was always so nice and friendly, and I was scared I was going to lash out and hurt her. So I sent her away."

She sighs and writes some more on the clipboard.

"So you think that you might do something rash again? Like burning the pages?"

"Yes."

She sighs again and writes a date on a post it.

"I think our appointments should be closer."

I couldn't agree more.