Dan Dan and the Noodles of Despair

The Truth About Cats

The next morning as they prepare to continue their journey Daniel turns to Tiddlepuss as he's finishing his breakfast,

'Last night, you mentioned the worms travelling between dimensions, and I was wondering how many interdimensional creatures are there?'

'There are four remaining multidimensional species. We Cats, the Mice, much has been made in your world about the relationship between Cats and Mice, all rubbish - then there are the Dolphins and the Worms.

The Dolphins are Trans-dimensional beings, they can move between dimensions at will but are limited to the one present, to the one existence. The Worms are Trans-dimensional but also have the ability to travel back and forth in time through wormholes. The Mice are Pan-dimensional beings, they can exist in up to three dimensions simultaneously...are you with me so far?'

Dan nods with a piece of bread stuck to the bottom lip of his gaping mouth.

'- and then there are the Cats. We can lead lives in nine separate dimensions simultaneously. Our collective experience is shared across all nine lives, we all learn and understand the same things. Lots of running around, very demanding, fascinating.

I'm a journalist in one of my lives, very interesting. So we choose to have one dimensional existence where we are served upon and have plenty of time to rest and sleep. Your world is perfect for that.'

'There you go with the service thing again, is that why you are so unfriendly in my world?' retorts Daniel.

'If you want friendliness get a dog, they are unconditionally friendly because they acknowledge that mankind invented cars. They hang their heads out of car windows while you drive down your roads and do that flappy thing with their tongue, they really enjoy that, and for this alone you have won their eternal devotion.

We cats can move between dimensions and manipulate human thought - when you can do that, cars really aren't that impressive.'

'Whaaat!' Daniel cries, the piece of bread falling to the ground 'Cats can manipulate human though...you can interfere with free will?'

Realising what he has said Tiddlepuss tries to backtrack, but it's too late, the cat is out of the bag as it were.

'Well I wouldn't put it like that - well - actually that's exactly how I'd put it, but it's not what you think.'

'Oh isn't it - well why don't you tell me what I think?!'

'We can't read thoughts, we can only influence human thought over short distances...it's a bit like Bluetooth. And we have a rigorous code of conduct which was introduced after the collapse of the Egyptian civilisation, which we hardly ever break.'

'Hardly ever break! so when have you manipulated my thought?'

'Only in times of real need, times of peril, when there's absolutely no alternative.'

'When!?'

'When I'm hungry - and I need to be fed.'

'And...?'

Tiddlepuss in squirming in discomfort and exhibiting a very un-regal manner.

'I implanted the vision of a jumper in your grandmother's mind and directed her to the jumble sale where I knew the wool would be deposited by the worms. I am complicit in bringing you here. I have known for a while that you were the hero that the sheep needed.'

Daniel abruptly stands up, towering over Tiddlepuss and looking down into his eyes he cries, 'You really are the pits, I should take this jumper off right now.'

'Please don't' interjects Anaximander.' Despite all the circumstances that brought you here, you are a fine young man. You have a bright future in front of you, and your future includes fulfilling your role as the hero in this desperate plight.'

'I didn't ask for this, I didn't choose this.'

'Very few of us have a choice in the circumstances that shape our lives, we just do our best when we can, that is all that is required of us. Be the best person you can be at the time.'

Floyd steps forward.

'You chose to keep the portal garment on when you first came here to our world, that was your first step along a road of bravery. You have what it takes to be a truly courageous and wise man.'

'Uhhhh choices, all the time choices' sighs Daniel.

'Come let us finish our tea, then continue our adventure.' says Anaximander patting Daniel on the shoulder.

He shrugs his shoulders and resigns to the fact that while he may not know what the future holds, there is no doubt that one thing is leading to another, and this is the most exciting adventure he has ever had.