This Love

e i g h t

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"Clarke, you can't just quit. You've already made it this far. You just have to keep going."

Clarke curls around her pillow, her hand tucked between the fluffy material and her ear. You don't need water to feel like you're drowning, do you?

She feels drained.

"What does it matter?", she grumbled into the pillow, her voice scratchy from the strain of crying. "What does any of this matter if I can't be with her?"

"It matters, Clarke," Raven replies, "She matters."

"But she shouldn't."

"You need to stop saying that," Raven whispers, padding over towards Clarke's dorm bed, every move being watched through the pair of blurred eyes which sent beams of darkened light throughout her veins. "Of course it matters, Clarke. You need to open up your eyes and see the truth, you need to stop pushing her away when the world is trying to pull you both together. Can't you see that? I can't say that I know what it's like, but I do know that she made you happy. She still makes you happy. I know that. And whenever you'd wake up with that look in your eyes, I knew that you had been with her, and I could tell that you wanted her back. To hold. To cherish. To love. So stop it, Clarke. Please just stop. It's the best thing when someone's presence automatically puts you in a better mood. Why throw that away? Why sacrifice your own happiness? Why throw it all away because 'it's the right thing to do', Clarke? I call that bullshit. The right thing...it's Lexa. It always will be."

"I know."

"I know you know, so stop. Stop talking about quitting. Stop talking about how it isn't worth it, because it is. You are worth this. You are so worth this opportunity that you always dreamt of having, so you're going to take it, because you know you should. You know you want to, and you know that Lexa wants you to take it, too."

"She doesn't want to see me anymore."

"Yeah, she does, and that's because she loves you," Raven says, "and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the one who chased her away. You're the one who refused to see her at the dinner. You're the one who ran. Not Lexa. You. And I'm sorry that it came down to this, but I can't take it anymore, Clarke. Of course she wants to see you, she came knocking at your door. She came to see you."

"It hurts, Raven." Clarke sobs, pulling the quilt further over her head as it swishes against the dampened pillow.

"It's hurts because it matters."

"She doesn't love me, though."

"Isn't that what you said you wanted? You told her that first, Clarke, when you went to find some answers, remember? Did you even ask her for any?"

"I didn't need to. I found my answer without asking the question. It's her. It's all her. She's the answer to everything. But I let her go."

"Then hold onto that, because sometimes losing something is the only way to know how important it was."

"But I'm scared, Rae. I'm scared that as soon as I let her in, I'm going to lose her," Clarke whispers, her chest aching so hard that she has to physically press her hand to it. "I'm going to lose her, Raven, and I don't think I can bear it. I can't bear to see her because I know how it will affect more than just two people. What about Costia? What about - what about Finn?" Clarke sniffles, not bothering to wipe away a tear which rolls down her cheek. "We can't just be friends-"

"Yes. Yes you can, Clarke -"

"We can't. Since the moment I met her, I knew that she was my everything. I think that no matter how I feel, someone will always end up getting hurt."