The Road Home

Part 6

"Make me broken,  So I can be healed,  'Cause I'm so calloused,  And now I can't feel,   I want to run to You,  With heart wide open,   Make me broken"  -Sidewalk Prophets, Make Me Broken

I love the music by them! <3 <3 It's so good.

SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING WHEN I SAID I WOULD  

I had a migraine for three days then had to catch up on school so I didn't have time.  SORRY :( 

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Logan has been really quiet for the past few days since we briefly talked in the truck.  He and Owen have talked but the two of us. Not so much.  I think it has to do with him feeling weak or something.  I really don't know.

  Sitting in my room in the corner of my bed I flip through my bible.  Coming across a verse that just seems to pop out after church this last week, were the pastor discussed love for everyone and anyone no matter who they are. I read through several times; 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love, But the greatest of these is Love."  It makes me realize how true to life this is.  If we don't put out faith and trust into something where are we?  Putting Faith in God gives us somewhere to trust, something to lean on.  We can have faith that someone we know will do things they are supposed to.  If we have Hope we always can have something to look forward to.  We can hope someone gets better after they are sick, we can hope someone comes to God and trusts him.  We can have Hope that God will tell us the right choices.  But Love, that is most important.  The most powerful.  Love lets people and us know someone cares.  Love gives us something or someone to care about.  If we have Love we have what we need.  We love each other and love God, because no matter what we do, no matter how stupid our choices may be God loves us.  Remembering to love one another and ourselves is the truly an important thing.  We love God and others because they love us.  Love and Faith and Hope all are things we need in life. Us as an individual need all of these.   

I close my Bible and set it on the side table.  Closing my eyes, I pray.  "God help me to remember even if I am frustrated with how you have my life laid out that I remember this.  Help me to have Faith that you will guide me to where I'm supposed to go.  Help me to see that having Hope in life can come to be what was needed; even if it takes time.  God, I know sometimes I need a reminder to Love everyone not to hate, not to frown upon others.  Sometimes I pass judgement to soon, but I need to remember to Love.  If I think about my choices I see you in all the good ones.  I know that it can be good to follow my heart, or to follow what my thoughts say; but are they things you would want me to do?  Please, did I make a wrong choice somewhere along the way leading to my brothers death? Why was it your plan to end their lives and have me live on? I am sure there must be a reason, I just don't get it yet.  Lord I pray that you help Logan to heal and not suffer.  I ask you to help Owen and I as well to stay on the path you have for us. Amen"  I stand opening my eyes. I change into my pajamas before checking my phone.  I pause when I see a missed call from my dad.  He and my mom have only called twice in the last year, my birthday and my brothers birthday.  I close my eyes and walk out the door and head outside, in case things get heated I don't feel the need to wake Owen; as it's nearly 10:30pm and he was sick all day.

I press redial.  I hear four rings and then a voice.  "Hello-" A yawn cuts him off. "Baylor, I called earlier why didn't you answer?  Did you just want to ignore me?"

"Hi dad.  No I wasn't ignoring you I was busy."  I reply as I walk into the barn to check  the horses.

"Well doing what!?  Rescuing poor little rabbits?" He asks bitterly.

"No dad.  Look I get that you don't like what I've changed since you left; but that's just it you left.  I bought the ranch from you three months after that.  It't not your job to worry about it anymore."

"Excuse me?" He asks clearly put off by me talking back.  "Since when is it okay to talk like that? And you never answered me."

"First off, I was cleaning and exercising horses most of the day.  Then I had two people come by to look at some of the rescues as possible sales.  And really you wonna talk about the way we talk to each other.  How many time when Ethan, Jared and I where younger and you'd tell us we where stupid for not doin' somethin' right.  How after they died you'd rip off my head and yell at me for mentionin' their names." I say slightly louder, getting frustrated with him.

"I never once called you stupid, you have no proof of that.  And I yelled at you because you were told not to mention them.  If you'd a listened it wouldn't have happened."

"You know what dad? I know that you rather go on as if they never existed but they did.  They were family.  They mattered.  How the heck do you think it's okay to block that out!?"  I say choking back an angry sob.  "If you wonna say it woulda never happened lets say this.  If they had never taken me to ice cream the car wouldn't have gone over.  We would never have rolled.  They still be here.  But oh well dad doesn't care cause he never had sons he only has a daughter who apperentally can't make her own damn choices.  Well guess what dad!?  You can pretend they didn't exist, you can get rid of everything that has a memory of them if you want.  But I aint gonna forget.  I can't forget them.  They where my big brothers, I was there with them.  I don't care what ya say 'cause I am done.  I don't wonna hear what you gotta say.  I'm done Dad.  I love you and Mom but I can't listen and watch you guys forget them and hate me.  I'll keep my stuff and memories of them.  Good bye dad."  I hit end and angrily walk to office in the barn and slam my phone into a drawer so I can't see or hear it.  I breathe in and out trying to calm down.  I walk out and to Jaspers stall.  I don't know why I went to my dads old horse but I did.

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