Stay [a danisnotonfire fanfiction]

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Yo biznatches, I am so incredibly sorry for leaving this so long. I kind of forgot it existed until today, and I haven't stopped wanting to write since this afternoon. It's now almost ten o'clock. I really hope this isn't too horrific, if you read it please leave some kind of comment because I feel really new to this again and some confidence would be great. Thankyou for sticking around, I'm hoping to continue to update this more frequently but don't hold me to anything. I love you all. 

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It's April now. In a few days it will be three years since the first day Max and I ever made eye contact. Dan and I walk silently up the stairs to my apartment, our fingers loosely interlocked. I tuck a few strands of my hair behind my ears, and sneak a glance at him. 

"Are you sure you're okay, En?" Dan asks softly. I sigh. 

"I'm fine, Dan, I'm just thinking about some stuff. I'm tired." I shrug, dragging my feet up yet another flight of stairs.

"You could be in bed now if the bloody lift wasn't broken."

"Again," I add, laughing quietly. We eventually reach my floor and I instinctively wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest, closing my eyes. He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head and I feel his lips linger there for a second, before his chin rests there instead. 

"Come on, you," he mumbles, giving me a quick squeeze and then leading me towards my apartment door. I put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to keep looking forward until I get there, fumbling around in my pocket for my key as I go. Dan's hand leaves the small of my back and finds it's way into his pocket as he shuffles his feet around next to the door. I reach up and place a small kiss on his lips. Once the key is in the door, I turn it, give Dan a small wave and step inside, closing the door quickly behind me. The heating is still on, and I take my jacket off and hang it up before walking into the living room and collapsing on the sofa. Apparently we chose the right time to come home, because rain is pattering gently against the window. 

I lie there for an hour, watching the water droplets race each other down the glass and occasionally focusing my vision further, out across the city. It's dark and gloomy and grey, but strangely beautiful. Like one of those photographs of cityscapes you see on tumblr or something. 

I groan and pull myself off the couch, deciding I'm thirsty. But as I make my way into the kitchen and fill a glass with water I decide I am not thirsty after all. I resort to wandering aimlessly aroung my darkening apartment, tracing patterns on the walls with my fingers and ending up in my art room again. But today I don't feel like painting. Instead, I sit cross legged with my back against the wall. The rest of the day drags itself past the window until it's almost pitch black and I can see the stars from the corner of my eye. I turn my head to watch them make their way across the sky ever so slowly, and before I know it they are starting to disappear. The sky gradually lightens and the pale blue sends a cold light into the room. I start to shiver but I don't feel the cold. I don't feel anything. I'm slipping back. Back into the black hole that Dan dragged me out of a few months ago. I start to panic; I don't want to go back there. I don't want to fall back into the dark nothingness of the horribly numbing and overwhelming sadness. The tears begin to fall before I even realise I'm crying, and soon enough I am a horrible, sobbing, hyperventilating mess on the carpet. I wrap my arms around my shoulders and continue to cry, not caring that this will lead to a smudgy black makeup stain on the floor.  A noise somewhere between a groan and scream of frustration escapes from between my gritted teeth, and a new burst of chest-tightening sobs follow. I work my fingers into my tangled mess of black hair and pull at it angrily, so confused as to why this is suddenly happening. 

Eventually, my breathing slows and the tears dry, leaving my eyes decorated messily with smudged mascara and watery grey lines. I sigh and sit up which makes my head spin uncomfortably. I ignore it and make myself stand up and walk to the bathroom to clean my face. The cold water splashes gently across my face and I rub my eyes to get rid of the left over makeup, not paying attention to the irritating stinging sensation this causes. I stare at myself in the mirror until the little remaining energy I had drains out of me and I collapse yet again, on the bathroom floor. I lean back against the sink and the cold ceramic surface sends more shivers down my spine but I don't move. I don't move for hours.