Ocean's Secret |on hold|

5 | Beyond Fear

"That was the last time I ever saw my parents," Meredee sniffed and tightened her hand around Cyrus'. She didn't know when he had slipped his hand over hers, but she was thankful for the gentle touch as she recounted her story, the horrible nightmare that had taken her parents and haunted her ever since.

"I'm sorry, my daughter," Cyrus whispered as the candles continued to flicker around them, but Meredee still stared at the table, reliving those memories from long ago.

Even just his voice was like a soothing balm, wrapping warmly around her against the darkness and pain that always threatened to drag her under. Over the years, she'd gotten better at pushing it aside, pasting a smile on her face that eventually became almost genuine, and, with Jesus' help, live a relatively normal life.

"What happened next?" he quietly asked.

"Well, I spent a few weeks in a juvenile prison of sorts; I'm not sure how it would compare to those we have in the States, but I don't remember much of it anyway. Concrete walls, rusty steel bars, hard floor. Endlessly staring at the chips and scratches of the stained concrete around me as I passed the time in a daze. Then....then I was flown to the States. I guess...I found out afterwards that the American Embassy organised my release, and it was easier with me being a child still....Then I was placed with a foster family, went to an ordinary school, the usual things. I hated it. I couldn't talk to anyone, couldn't make any friends or seem to fit in. I guess I was still traumatised, even though I did go to counselling sessions. I still had nightmares and-" she bounced her leg and drummed her fingers on the table as she tried not to cry, the memories of many sleepless, endless nights filled with flashes of rifles and hate-filled shouts skipping through her mind. Her shoulders trembled as she hiccoughed and felt tears prick her eyes, but she clenched her fists and took a deep breath.

"It's alright to cry, Meredee," Cyrus said, laying a calming hand on her shoulder, running it down her arm till he grasped both her shaking hands. "We all have memories we'd rather forget, but it is healing to let them out and sort through the emotions and pain."

"I thought I had, but...but obviously they're still there-....I'm still so afraid, Cyrus," a tear rolled down her cheek and Cyrus wiped it away with his thumb. "I mean, during high school I met some Christians who invited me to their church, and I've been closer to Jesus ever since, but..." Meredee took a shaky breath. "But sometimes He feels so far way. When it's raining outside, when the water droplets are running down the glass, I stare out into the haze and feel...lost. It feels like the wind is tearing through my heart, like the sky is just trying to drown me, forget about me...wash me out of existence. It doesn't care that I'm hurting-"

"But Jehovah does! He cares about you, Meredee. He always has, no matter what you've been through."

"Then why do I feel so scared all the time? Why do I feel like...like I'm alone, no matter how many friends I might have? I can't- I can't let anyone in. I can't show them the real me, the broken me. I have to always be so sure of myself, because I know Jesus is there to comfort me, so I....I have to act like I'm ok," Meredee barely whispered those last few words. She didn't know why she was sharing this with Cyrus, but he seemed like the grandfather she never had.

Cyrus frowned as he stared out the window at the dark night. "There will always be a part of us, deep inside, that hurts too much to share with anyone. No matter how much we want someone to understand the pain we're going through, we cover it up. We hide it from the world and remain strong as is expected of us," he said slowly. Meredee got the feeling he was speaking from some personal experience. What sort of heartache could Cyrus have possibly been through? He was the creator of this land! Sure, she understood it would've hurt to see his people fighting and trying to kill him, but everyone knew about that – hence the major battle when she was last here. So why did she sense something deeper behind his words?