Filling The Cup

Chapter 5: Twelve years in the wilderness of life.

I had turned away from my faith. I turned away from God. I blamed God for my dad's death. I became an agnostic and almost atheist.

I attended Church once in a month or twice a month. Until I studied Buddhism and Hinduism. I had prayed to Buddha. I had chanted prayers. I had practiced Tai Chi Quan, Yoga and other forms Asian Martial Arts.

I felt good and free from the pressures of restrained Christian Lifestyle. I had done whatever I wanted. I'd lived according the world's standard.

I had dated men who doesn't desire to be in any serious relationship. They simply wanted to play games. I was thinking, I don't want to be married anyways it is all fun. I don't want a man to rule my life just like my dad controlled us.

I had been into bars, night clubs, dance with people I did not know. I don't care anymore whether I get to heaven or go to hell. I live for a day and die for a night.

I was infatuated with the world and what it can offer me. It offers me the pleasure of life.

I smoked cigarettes and drank liquors. Done things I couldn't imagined of doing. I can't believe I went wild and crazy.

I had read horoscopes and astronomical forecast. I listen to fortune tellers. I totally lost my mind and soul. I was spiritually dead. I was like a zombie! I was physically alive but spiritually dead.

I was even infatuated with a world famous actor who doesn't really know me and I don't really know. He became my inspiration for writing my horror fantasy novels in 2010.

Matthew 16:26 NIV
What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?

I was bitter and angry with my self and with God. I destroyed my life. I can't believe I had done stupid things. I can't blame God for all my poor decision in life. I want to taste the bittersweet of the world and God let me. Until I had enough.

I said, “Don't leave me to die here. Bring me back into life. God get me out of here. Get me out of darkness."

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7 ESV)

Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"  She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more." (John 8:10-11 ESV)

I asked forgiveness for my sins returned to God. I went back to my first Church where my friend Ninay first invited me. I stayed there for two years and five months.

Matthew 16:25 NIV
“For whoever wants to save their life  will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."