Chasing Butterflies

Not Okay

Izzy shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, drying herself with a fluffy towel and pulling on a change of clothes. Her wet hair dripped down her back but she didn't care all that much since the itching at the crook of her arm had come back with a fury. Izzy needed to take her morphine and she needed it soon, she knew it would calm her mind, even if it was just for a little while. But as much as she needed a hit right now, Izzy knew that she couldn't risk it while the boys were awake. She walked out of the bathroom and dropped off her clothes into the laundry basket in her room before making her way towards the kitchen. She'd expected to find the boys napping or eating like usual but they were doing neither of the two. They sat squished onto the couch and a few of them spread out on the floor, looking somber. Namjoon sat at the center of the couch, head hanging low. Jimin sat to his right, glaring at the floor, his fists clenched.

"Guys? Is everything okay?" Her voice caught their attention and seven heads shot up to see her standing at the edge of the room. As she looked at them, Izzy couldn't help but notice that Hoseok's eyes looked red. Had he been crying? Why?

"What is this?" Namjoon's hand tossed a small object onto the coffee table. Izzy's eyes cautiously slid from the doleful faces of the boys and moved to the table where a small baggie lay, seven little white pills encased in the plastic.

"What is this, Izzy?" He repeated his question, voice quivering in what Izzy could only describe as anger. The itching in her arm was a distant nuisance compared to the seven sets of hardened eyes that were trained on her.

"We thought you were doing better," Jungkook mumbled quietly. He refused to even glance up at her, and it broke Izzy's heart. They were upset, they hated her, and her sobering brain wouldn't let her forget it.

Izzy opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, there was no way she could talk her way out of this one. But how had they found it? She'd made sure to hide it—Jimin. He saw her messing with her pillow. Jimin had found the morphine. The prick of pain behind her eyes was sudden and unexpected but Izzy tried to keep the tears at bay. She still had no clue how to answer their questions.

"Why the hell would you do this again?" Jimin's glare was still on the floor but from the way he spoke Izzy knew that he was furious.

"Jimin," Namjoon cut him off with a shake of his head, "That's not the way to do this."

"I don't give a damn!" Jimin shot off the couch and began pacing a hole in the floor, all the while avoiding eye contact with Izzy.

"We saw what you were like the last time this happened, Izzy!" He looked at her now, and his flaming eyes nearly brought Izzy to her knees. "You were clean! You worked so hard to get there so why would you throw it all away? Why the hell would you do this to yourself?"

"Maybe you should lighten up on her, Jimin," even though he was defending her, Taehyung's eyes saddened when they landed on Izzy, and he immediately averted his gaze.

"No! I'm not going to lighten up on her, she knows how bad this is. She knows and she still did it!"

"Why'd you do it Izzy?" Jungkook's voice was gentle, and unlike Jimin, his face didn't hold any hostility.

"I—"

"Don't make up some excuse, Izzy, we want the truth," Jimin cut her off before she could even speak. "And I know you Izzy, so I'll know if you're lying to me."

"I don't know why I did it, it was just an impulse—"

"What sort of masochistic impulse makes you want to ruin your life like that?"