You're My Medicine, When You're Closed To Me. (2Doc)

Are you here with me?

STUUU COME HERE
-Tell me Noodle
What look do you prefer?
This one with jeans, syntetic fur coat, blue pastel lipstick and under the coat a leather jacket.
Or this purple dress with feathers and black boots?

Mhh the first one. We'll surely see other people dressed in purple...
-such as Mandy Brandy.
-oh no her... I don't like that girl at all.
-neither do I Noodle. But in a couple of days everything will be over. After a handshake we will never see her again.
-yeah. Now I gotta go. I have to call my makeup artist. Tomorrow she has to try my makeup.
-WAIT NOODLE WHAT WILL I WEAR?
Mhh, don't put  on a smoking. Too emh elegant. You just have to think about sergio Pizzorno who wore a pair of jeans and a white shirt with the print "black tie" on it last year.
-Ahahhahaha he's so original.
-well, you could put on a jacket, a blouse, a pair of jeans and black converse.
-That's okay. Thank you. Russ what will you wear?
-jeans and a blouse I think. What about Murdoc?
- I don't know. I haven't seen him since last night.
Suddenly he arrives.
"Hey paesants. I want to perform in a while. We must rock the show!
-for God's sake he beeded a fucking shower.
He carried a little bag that maybe contained his outfit for friday.
I hope he won't do anything stupid. He's inappropriated sometimss.

I think about a lot of stuff that happened lately. I think again about Murdoc that touches my hair, about that stupid syndrome Noodle told me about. It's true that I've always admired Murdoc, that green bastard made me addicted to him in a certain way. But she underlined that the relation between these two people is deep. They are "in love".
I like women.
Yes...
Even if.
The last one I had was....
Paula ...
And... oh God. I don't want to think about her. Damn. This sucks.
I haven't been thinking about this aspect of my life in ages.
I was.. Too concentrated on making music with the guys.
I actually have never thought about that.
-2D come over here, we have to try to permorm the song. Put your soul in it this time damn.
The notes run away too fast. Like my life. I can see the flashbacks from a bitter past. They make me disgusted and...afraid.
Scared
This turns into sadness.
Or better
Melancholy.
I have been spending these years in loneliness and depression. But I didn't realize that sometimes I just needed to be holded and hugged.
I start
Up on melancholy hill
There's a plastic tree
Are you here with me?

Is anyone here? No. It isn't. I am alone

Just looking out on the day
Of another dream

That dream that I always make. That bloody hill.

Well you can't get what you want
But you can get me
So let's set out to sea

That's the sentence.
Well you can't get what you want
But you can get me.
I wrote this for Murdoc.
When the world didn't care about him we came to me.
He talked to me. He didn't use to beat me at that time. Well not so much.
But he talked to me.
Sometimes we spent hours and hours listening to Swell Maps and Rolling Stones. We were fine. Sometimes even happy.
I hardly hold back my tears. I must finish.
The show must go on.

'Cause you are my medicine
When you're close to me
When you're close to me.

When we were close to each other, and I could hear you. I could feel you. But without touching you. I couldn't do that. Despite your cruelty and you behaviour, you were untouchable because it was really easy to break you.
Because you were my medicine. You were my cure. You gave me the strenght to keep going on. And I've never realized that until now.
Despite everything I could count on you. I knew you were there.

So call in the submarines
'Round the world will go
Does anybody know her
If we're looking out on the day
Of another dream

The tour of that year.
We just wanted to leave everything to explore the world together in our yellow submarine. To sing together, with the band.

If you can't get what you want
Then you come with me
Up on melancholy hill
Sits a manatee
Just looking out for the day
When you're close to me
When you're close to me

That's it.
The chorus.
On that hill.
Me.
All alone.
Like in 2010.
As I closed my eyes I just wanted to be on that hill with someone. No one in particular. But with a person that could take care of me. That could be my medicine and restabilish a balance in my life and in my troubled soul.

One sentence left.

When you're close to me.

Music is almost over.
I can't do this. After the last note I go to the bathroom in tears, covering my face.
I'm weak. Too weak. I said I could do this for Baftas but I can't. I lied to myself.
I stare at my arms with a disgusted face. I can still see that horrible screech on my left arm. I did it a lot of years ago.
Futility. Sadness. Melancholy. Desesperation.
Everything evaporates in some tears in a miserable stupid corner of an almost clean bathroom.
I can hear the voices in the background.
They're talking about me. But I don't care.

They knock.
Noodle came to talk to me. I hope her words could help me.
She enters.
She doesn't say anything.
So I start.
Noodle It's useless. You can't help me. It's something I have to do on my own..
I have been keeping this weight on my shoulders since 2010. Or maybe before.
You can't illude me, I'va always felt this way.
Terrible.
Rejected.
Excluded.
Maybe Murdoc is right. Maybe he has to punish me for the fact that I exist.

I know it was a lot of feelings and thoughts. But I could trust her. She probably already knew that I felt this way.
You know Noodle, depression is like a little death cupid. She takes aim and then she hits you. I feel tired and alone. On that fucking hill.
All alone.
She sits next to me. I come closer to her and I hold the border of her shirt. I cried like I have never did before. I left my soul empty. 5 minutes of silence. She puts her hand on my shoulder. I try to take the other hand. Just to be connected with another person.
Holy shit.

It's Murdoc's hand.