You're My Medicine, When You're Closed To Me. (2Doc)

Feel good inc.

Okay, little suggestion. Listen to this song if you want (there is a light that never goes out) while you are readig this. It is perfect for this part I think and Btw its really good.
Enjoy!

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da
Oh, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

I was like 19, 20 years old when I listened to it for the 1st time. It was on the radio and the singer's voice (Morrissey) enchanted me. It was strange. I often listened to it. I even bought the queen is dead, and A day I was crying and I put it on.
And I payed attention to the last words.
There is a light that never goes out.

There is always hope.

In every situation there is a bright light that brings you to be saved. It must only be found.
That was my soundtrack that sang me to sleep in the car while we were going home.
The headphones sang it to my ears. Over and over.
Again.
I thought About it a lot.
I am that guy. The sad blue boy who is searching for a light.

The doctor told me that the next day we could go to visit him. We had to pay attention not to make him too many questions.
And bring him a familiar object to wake up some memories.

As I arrive I let myself fall over the bed of my room. I cannot hear anything. I am anestetyzed form head to toes. The news still have to arrive to all the Parts of my body.
When the anesthesia will pass I will be able to feel the pain.
I look up to the ceiling, holding a pillow with strenght and keeping my head over it, maybe pretending that it's his chest.
To pass my knuckles and to smooth the surface, which is already neat.
I close my eyes, maybe in the darkness I will be able to see him.
My thought and my head keep making the situation worse, but I know I will see his face again.
With a sweet violence I hold the pillow thightly and squeeze my eyes.
We are together in my mind now.
I think about it really intensly until I see his shirt in the corner of the room. I take it and I keep it into my arms, while my tears make it wet.
I am bordering the pathetic, but I don't care anymore.
My eyes hurt, I open them, letting them exposed to the weak light that comes from the window. I see my arms. Or better.
The signs of the cuts on my arms appear whiter when I'm nervous.
Now they are as white as milk.
I can't describe how I fucking hate myself right now.
It was MY FAULT.
If I had holded him all the time he wouldnt have left me.
Pain pervades me, it barely makes me breath. I have to escape. To go away.
I feel caged into my own body.
I go to the bathroom to wash my face with hot water, which burns my face, my eyes look up and they notice a shiny object on the shelf. A razor blade.