dear violet ➳ andy biersack (currently editing)

18 - unedited

__________

chapter
seventeen
violet

__________

Ten minutes later I padded down the hallway after Andy for breakfast.

I had borrowed one of his shirts - a My Chemical Romance tee with the sleeves cut off. I wore it along with a pair of ripped black jeans and my typical scuffed Dr. Martins with the frayed blue laces.

"Thank god, I'm so hungry," Andy remarked as we turned towards the kitchen.

We were greeted instantly by the sound of warm, relaxed chatter coming from the band.

But suddenly, I was nervous.

I was going to meet the entire band now, the people who had kept me alive for so long without even knowing it, the people who I had admired, listened to for all those years.

I was going to meet them officialy, properly now, after only briefly seing them during my whole episode last night. And back then I had been an absolute wreck, a fragile thing with a shattered resolve.

How in the world was I supposed to face them now, after all that?

I froze in the hallway, and Andy glanced at me with an eyebrow raised.

I felt like both bursting into tears and throwing up.

What if they judged me?

The people I admired so very much?

What if they thought I was an accident just waiting to happen?

What if they didn't like me?

What if they thought I was a freak after witnessing my attempted suicide last night?

Oh god, what if-?

I latched onto Andy's wrist without thinking. The room was begining to spin.

"Violet?" Andy's eyes were wide with alarm, hs expression changing as he recognized the situation.

"Hey, it's okay." He caught the hand that was gripping his wrist tightly, his fingers tightening over mine. "Shh, breath steadier. Violet? Can you feel my pulse, Violet?"

My breaths were coming hard and fast now, as if I were running a marathon.

I couldn't stop my rampaging thoughts, couldn't stop the panic attack as it threatened to suffocate me.

But couldn't the rest of the band hear us?

Wheren't they wondering why we hadn't just walked into the room and said hello yet? Like normal fucking people? What if they thought I was intruding? Playing Andy or something?

A faint ringing poked through my ears.

Andy gave my hand a little squeze so that I was forced to look at him.

His saphire blue eyes were wide and serious. "Can you feel my pulse, Violet?" he repeated softly.

I could feel it. The gentle thrumming of his heart beating the blood to his wrist, to the thin blue veins beneath my fingers.

"Yes," I said between quick breaths, feeling dizzy as hell.

"I want you to focus on it. Feel how even it is?"

The ground was begining to sway beneath my feet - as if I stood on the deck of a ship out on choppy waters.

But I did as I was told. I focused on the feel of Andy's pulse beneath my fingers. Rythmic and calming. A steady, even beat.