dear violet ➳ andy biersack (currently editing)

26

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chapter
twenty five
violet

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The second I was alone inside my room, I walked into the adjoining bathroom and started up the shower.

I thought of Andy, of how he'd looked at me after I'd walked through the door.

As if I were a phantom.

As if he were falling into an inferno.

I thought of his smudged purple bruises, the wetness to his eyelashes. I thought that it wasn't fair that he of all people had to wind up caught in this twisted network of pain and suicide and depression.

I closed my eyes and drew a deep, shuddering breath through my nose, trying to push back the tears.

I didn't know what to do anymore.

Everything Jake, CC and Jinxx had said had moved me beyond the limitation of words, but I still couldn't be completely swayed.

I still intended to die.

I needed to leave Andy, or I would die on him.

I needed to leave Andy, or I would hurt him.

How could love put a stop to this vicious cycle when this vicious cycle was love?

I didn't understand.

Out of nowhere, the smell of leather and soap brushed my face. The warmth of that smell brought back the memory of Andy's arms around me in the City Hall Station tunnel, the feel of him so close to me that night.

I realised with a jolt in my stomach that I was still wearing Andy's black hoodie, and that it smelled of him.

Suddenly unable to think clearly anymore, I ripped the shirt off and hurtled it across the room. It smacked into the side of the sink, causing a glass jar of soap to hit the ground with a ringing clatter.

I stood there for a moment, breathing hard.

Then I sat down on the cold floor, in my strappy black bra and big boots and torn jeans, and shut my eyes.

I left the water running.

• • •

Eventually, I felt myself come back to my senses.

With my clothes piled in a rumpled mess on the floor beside the hamper, I wound up standing naked before the bathroom mirror staring at my reflection.

It was only now, a full day later, that I could see what Andy had been writing on my shoulder that night.

Lyrics.

The blue ink staining my shoulder in Andy's handwriting stood out vicuously against my pale skin, like bright veins too near the surface.

I could see what he had written in perfect clarity.

if this tragedy becomes the death of us both
my darling, i'll have you know
a love like this could carry on even after death