dear violet ➳ andy biersack (currently editing)

24

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chapter
twenty three
andy
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I stood alone in the hotel room, feeling slightly sick.

Violet was gone. Violet was gone, and I might never be able to see her again.

Fuck.

It hurt.

It hurt in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. To think that I had fallen in love with somebody so creative, so beautiful, so genuinly kind, only to have them walk away and drag a fragment of me with them.

It made me want to break something.

It made me want to die.

Because Violet was gone, and I might never be able to see her again.

I squeezed my eyes shut in a feeble attempt to force back the tears.

But they came anyway, hot and salty on my lips, stinging the open wound in my jaw.

It was all my godamn fault, wasn't it?

This was all my fucking fault. I had tried to save her, but I should have known - she didn't want saving. How do you fix somebody who simply refuses to be fixed?

I remembered the shattered look in her eyes, the way her voice shook as she said, Andy, I am just like Jacqueline.

It was like I had been stabbed, like a razor sharp knife had been thrust between my ribs and into my heart.

It was like the rotten darkness in my chest had unfurled like a burning rose, like the agony had veiled the world before my eyes.

I choked back a sob and shook my head violently with my fists against my temples, trying to deny what she had said, trying to shut her voice out.

It didn't work.

I could still see Violet's pale, steely face and the pain, at boiling point in her eyes. I could still hear her saying, I would have left sooner.

Why? Why did she have to go? Was it all because I was wretched? Sick and pathetic? Abominable? Was I hurting people without noticing? What had I done? What was wrong with me?

And suddenly I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't be the one everybody abandoned, I couldn't answer Catelyn's prying questions, I couldn't keep Ashley's promise, I couldn't loose Violet.

Oh god help me, I couldn't loose Violet.

I struggled to pace my breaths, feeling the pain writhe in my chest like a living, bleeding thing.

The thing was, it was too late.

I had already lost her.

And just like that I felt my entire world collapse.

I slumped down onto the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest and bunching my fists in my hair.

When would I stop loosing everyone I loved?

• • •

violet

Cars zoomed by as I strode down the sidewalk with my shoulders hunched, my eyes burning as I stared unseeingly straight forward.

The wind seethed at me in a language I couldn't speak, tossing my hair about my face and numbing my hands.