When I first began school and first began interacting with others, I wasn't the most open person. Sure, nothing has really changed on that part, but when I was younger I was so full of Joy and love. As I've grown into who I am today, a part of that went missing. Of course I still love my friends and family dearly, but I'm not the same towards strangers I have only crossed paths with once or twice in my life.
As I moved on into middle school, this compassion I felt towards others continued to dismantle itself. As it had begun in grade five, I was becoming more hostile and unwelcoming towards others, despite preschool me being warm and loving. This of course followed me throughout Junior high and only worsened when it came time for high school.
When grade eight had finished, I was holding on to that love and happiness by a thread, praying with everything in me that I could hold on. But unfortunately my hands were too raw and sore to remain that way.
During the first year in High school, I experienced something that was not very common in Junior high. The upperclassman males began to make their rounds and scope out and lock down the newcomers. I was one of those victims. My first heartbreak came in the beginning of the year when a junior found me and started to do what he does best. Those weeks were unsettling, confusing, he whipped around my emotions and treated them as if they were a new toy he received on Christmas Day. When I finally came to my senses and realized he only wanted one thing, I dropped him as soon as I could. I still see him in the balls sometimes.
The second time was with a friend I had previously known in grade eight. He contacted me and simply asked if we could start talking again, of course I agreed. The first night, he confessed his feelings he had for me from grade right up until now. I fell for him the second day, I fell for them so easily. As we kept talking, the subject of it kept coming up in conversation. It then got to the point where that's all he would speak of. I finally realized what he wanted and what he only wanted, and left. Again. By this point I growing tired of it.
The last time this happened was at the beginning of grade mine. Again. I had known him for years, we had never been too close but I've spoken to him on multiple occasions. One day, and I'm not sure how the subject was brought up, but I mentioned that I didn't believe anybody could fall for me. He then hinted at first but eventually confessed how he felt. After weeks of going back and fourth with sweet nothings, he began talking to someone else. I don't exactly recall how it happened but I ended up contacting the girl, and she told me everything. She sent me screenshots of what he would say about me, how he wanted to leave me because I was sad. How he regretted talking to me in the first place. And how he loved her, not me.
Maybe a month after this happened, he contacted me. He apologized for everything. And me being the desperate girl I am, I forgave him. But much to avail he went right back to his old ways. He flirted nonstop, and eventually we got back together. As our relationship went on, he began to talk about me in more sexual ways. Not behind my back, but to me directly. The subject of it came up again and again. I eventually left him when I came to my senses for a third and final time.
I feel as though this can eat away at ones happiness, love, and desire. The more frequently this happened the more I felt like nothing but an object. I no longer have any happiness, I no longer have any love, and I no longer have any desire. My hostility has grown and grown until it finally took over my being. I believe this is what drives people to depression. Being used over and over, their happiness being ripped away from them. But there's nothing to stop it. We can never stop men objectifying and sexualizing women. We can never stop the growth of depression and the succession on happiness.
After all, "boys will be boys"
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I'm sorry <3
