Do I Wanna Know

Chapter 37

The amount and intensity of feelings I was experiencing ever since I had been reunited with Lauren was unfathomable at times. No one brought out so many emotions in me. I used to resent her for it when she wasn’t reciprocating all these years. Her raw essence seemed to spark something in me that I was not able to feel with anyone else. She had always been that way; almost merciless with the way she felt so deeply and apparently it was contagious. It made her vulnerable to all the heartbreak she had faced in her life and a lot of them were caused by me lately. Even though I was the more reasoned one, she allowed me to be open with my emotions and heightened them in every way possible. There was no in between with us. Just like there was no in between for Lauren. We were able to go from ripping each other’s hearts out to making each other happier than anyone else in a few days.

Sometimes it scared me. Because I wasn’t sure if I would survive ever losing her. Not after knowing how much I truly loved her. After knowing how much she truly loved me. After knowing what it actually felt like to be with her.

But there was still so much left for us to know. And I wasn’t ready to give up on that. Not now and not ever. Feeling her lips press against mine in a desperate kiss to seal our engagement again was causing my heart to swell with the love I carried for her. She kissed back and her grasp around my waist loosened when she made our lips disconnect.

“Do you like it?”, she asked with slight insecurity and looked at the diamond ring she had just given me.

“Of course”, I answered immediately. “It’s beautiful. But you didn’t have to spend that much money, it looks really expensive.”

Lauren shrugged lightly and her green eyes were still glistening in the dim light from the tears she had been holding back during her touching words before. I was wiping mine swiftly to regain more composure.

“If I can’t give you a special proposal, I at least wanted to give you a special ring”, she whispered and I couldn’t believe she was still putting herself down after that overwhelmingly beautiful gesture just now.

“This is special”, I interjected quickly, moving my hands along her neck and resting them on her shoulders. “This is everything to me”, I added softly and my voice was still not fully recovering from the trembling.

She met my eyes again and I saw a faint smile on her lips. Although she wasn’t saying it I knew what she was thinking. She wished things were different and she wasn’t proposing to me in her bedroom before undergoing surgery tomorrow. There would have been a grand gesture if Lauren had a choice. If it had been up to her, I could see her proposing on top of the freaking Eiffel Tower but I didn’t need any of that. The only thing I needed was her; the only thing I wished was for her to finally understand that.

Just the slightest hint of sadness in the emerald colored eyes was killing me and I wanted to say something but the older one took my hand and got under the covers. I joined her and faced her while we were both lying on our sides. There was something on her mind. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head as I stroked her protruding collarbone that was exposed in the V-neck shirt. The fact that she had lost weight in such a short amount of time was scaring me most.

“Do you believe in heaven?”, the strained voice asked and I felt my eyes widen.

“Lauren-“, I shook my head and wanted to change the subject before going into a dark place.

“I’m not being morbid or pessimistic”, she interfered and took a deep breath. “But I need someone to talk to me about those things and no one would understand me like you do.”

I fell quiet for a few seconds because I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Undermining her legitimate feelings and fears wouldn’t be helpful. I had to be strong and understanding; no matter how hard it was on me. It was harder on her and I reminded myself of that internally.