Blue Eyes in a Sea of Brown (Kellic)

25.)Internal Struggles

Kellin's POV
I could deal with the looks, they were okay, but when he actually touched me I felt just like I did those years ago. I hate to say it but Justin has, had, such a great amount of control over me I was afraid I would bend to his will again. I knew deep down that I wouldn't. I had the love of my life and I would never do anything to hurt him. It was just that fear.

I didn't want Justin's hands on me, even if they knew my body better than anyone else. At the times the things we did were fun but they slowly destroyed my mental state. I became an object that would do anything to get the affection it wanted.

Justin liked it when people done things his way and his way only. He had a habit of easily making people do what he wanted. It was a skill that didn't require fists either. That was one thing that was good about Justin he never hit me or anyone really unless he had to. He didn't have to. He just had this natural charm about him that made people want to please him.

And unlucky for me I fell right into the trap. It was always sex with Justin. He wanted it when and how he wanted it. Of course there were many times I enjoyed it but others I was just a hole to use. I also never liked being called a slut or whore in bed but that was Justin's thing, so what did I do? I became his little slut.

Now that I think about it that really fucked me up. I was a freshman and he was this senior that was oh so popular. He picked me and I felt great. Justin was a great boyfriend to begin with, he still was after to. He just had his faults. He was sweet and caring but also degrading and manipulative.

At the time it was just fun, just pleasing the boy I 'loved', but now I can't even think of a relationship without sex involved. That's one thing that surprised me so much with Vic. He didn't care if we did anything or not. He just wanted me for me. Out of all the thoughts that were running through my head the thought of Vic made me smile.

But once again that smile left when my room door flew opened and Justin walked in shutting it quietly behind him.
I stood up and he walked towards me until he was only about a foot away.
"Came to check on you Kelly."
"Don't call me Kelly." I said and crossed my arms which was apparently funny to him because he laughed.
"You're so cute when you try to be tough, but we both know that's far from the truth." He stroked a finger down my cheek. "Especially when you're withering around under me."

"Stop!" I yelled and pushed him away from me. "Please just go! I want nothing to do with you ever again."
"Tsk tsk tsk now Kellin," he grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him. I tried to move from his his grasp but his grip tightened painfully. "I know you missed me. Cried over me for months, but I'm back now. I still love you Kellin."

"No! No you don't and I don't love you either. Now get your hands off of me." He only chuckled once again and moved one hand from my hip so his fingers could twirl around my faded hair.
"Don't dye it again sweet cheeks blonde suits you." He squeezed my hip again then let go of me and finally left.

I stood in the middle of my room where Justin left me and I was shaking. The times we were together flashed through my mind and all the times his hands were on my body. I felt dirty and I didn't like it. You could argue that I was overreacting because hey I was the one who agreed to date him and have sex with him but that wasn't the point. He mentally messed with me and in this moment I honestly wanted to cry.

I grabbed some sweats and a hoodie before walking to the bathroom and turning on the water hot before stepping in. I scrubbed my skin several times but the memories of him were still there. I jumped out once the water went cold and wrapped a towel around my waist.

I swiped a hand over the fogged up mirror and looked at myself. The thing that stuck out the most wasn't my red skin or the few tears that were gently falling down my cheeks. It was my hair. More specifically the blonde roots that were growing steadily while the black faded.

I quickly crouched down and tore through the cabinet under the sink looking for my hair dye. I was out. I knew that, but maybe just maybe I had some. With no luck I stood up and leant against the sink and took in a couple deep breaths.

It's just hair Kellin.
No it's not.
Don't let it bother you.
It's only gonna remind you of him.
Fuck.
It's what he wants.

After my small internal battle with myself I quickly pulled on my clothes. I glanced at the clock it was 12 right on the dot. I grabbed my phone and walked out of the house. I didn't know what would be open this time of night but I'm sure some place would be. All I knew was I had to get that black dye now.