Roo

Get up

Have you ever felt yourself shifting, shedding yourself like dead skin? Like the way the ocean tides shifts the sand. Unpredictably changing everything within seconds. Everything you thought about yourself clouding before your very eyes and blurring into the background just before its pulled out to sea. I could literally hear my heart in my ears and no matter how tightly I closed my eyes I couldn't rid my mind of all the damage my soul and my body had taken. I couldn't bear to breath it in one more second. Steaming hot tears streamed across my face into my hair, my throat closed and my chest felt heavy as I struggled to breath properly. How do you escape yourself? I could only think of one way and as much as I tried to shy away from it the idea of never having to feel this way again kept replaying behind my tightly shut lids. It wasn't an option but it was like a defense mechanism or an escape route my mind naturally went too in order to protect itself. I hated everything about myself. I was the reason for this pain because I allowed it all to happen in the first place. I loved the wrong person. And I loved him more than anything. I thought that would be enough. I thought that that alone could fix him but all it did was break me, break me into so many unrecognizable pieces that there wasn't any way I would ever be whole again. I couldn't even pick myself up off the floor to clean up. After hours and hours of mind numbing arguments and me actually trying to stand up for myself I was left lying on this cold unforgiving floor beaten and broken. I knew I was bleeding and to my complete shame I had also peed myself. The last time I had felt afraid enough to use the bathroom on myself was when I was 6 years old and my brother had set firecrackers off next to my bed while I was sleeping. Pressing my forehead to the floor and sobbing uncontrollably more I tried to force it all out of my mind and will myself to move. To not be paralyzed by my own fear and shame.

Get up

Get up

Get up

   Bits of my hair lay scattered on the floor, even some was stuck in the wall where his fist collided just centimeters from my face. My ribs ached without even moving so I knew this was going to be difficult. I wonder how many he broke, it felt like all of them. I could taste the blood pooling in my mouth and my throat was raw and felt swollen. Moments ago I was fighting for air against the pressure of his hands around my neck. Never had he gone this far. I clawed and kicked in complete horror as my vision started to blur and go black around the edges and black circles bloomed before my eyes. The pure hate that danced behind those hazel eyes will haunt me till my last breath. Just when I thought my life was over he tore his hands from my throat and spit on my face telling me I wasn't worth it. Rolling onto my stomach I gasped and coughed dragging as much air into my screaming lungs as I could get. I hadn't been able to move since then. Still lying face down I did everything I could to just quiet my screaming mind.

Get up

Get up

Get up

Palms on the floor I pull my knees up and push myself up slowly with shaky arms the pain takes my breath away and I'm trembling so hard my hair looks like its quivering around my face.

Breathe

Taking it slowly I grab the dresser and pull myself up the rest of the way. My hand rested on the doorknob for a few seconds listening hard for any signs he was still here and that my vague memory of his car peeling out of the driveway wasn't imagined. When I felt I was actually alone I made my way to the bathroom. Ignoring my reflection I start the shower, stepping into the scalding hot stream I welcomed the sting of it. Staring down I watch the bloody water swirl down the drain and suddenly I feel much older than I was. My father used to always tell me I was capable of anything. I was stronger than most people because I have his blood pulsing through my veins. If he only knew how much of it was spilled today I wonder if he would be disappointed in me for not fighting back more. For allowing this. I pictured him and all the times he didn't let life run him down and I found the courage from somewhere hidden deep deep inside me. I will not be the victim. Today my fight starts and I will find a way out of this.