Roo

Before

   It only took me about 5 minutes to have everything ready once we got home. I knew the routine by heart and didn't miss a beat. I grabbed the bong I had gotten Shane for his birthday and headed to the kitchen to dump out the old water. There was nothing nastier than old bong water when your hitting fresh bud. Especially when you add ice because as it melts you end up with that nasty old shit splashing up into your mouth. Almost gagging at the though I made an extra effort to make sure everything was as clean as possible but not taking to long in the process. The water almost sparkled against the glass in the bottom chamber, it was kind of beautiful. Trying not to get distracted anymore I dropped 3 ice cubes into the second chamber and hurried back into the living room to get to work on the rest.  I could hear Shane talking and laughing with Aaron and Adam about some bull shit story that I knew wasn't entirely true. Most of what he was saying, that I could hear at least, had been a very far fetched version of what really happened. It ran all through me and annoyed me on so many levels and I wanted to just walk out there and call him out on being a liar. Of course I never would, but the old me would never have hesitated like I was now. I rolled my eyes and began to break the weed up into the grinder fitting as much as I could before putting the lid on it and twisting hard. After a few seconds it was all nicely grounded and ready to go.

   Staring at the grinder full of weed I let my mind wondered to the very first time I smoked with Shane. It doesn't seem like that long ago but it was almost 2 years. He had rolled a blueberry flavored blunt and snuck me into his garage at 2 am where we sat closely in his old beat up Toyota truck. I Had never smoked before so I was pretty nervous but he had this effect on me leaving me feeling so excited too. I was doing something considered bad and illegal for the first time in my life and I seen it as a way to rebel against all the shit I was so used to taking. People always walking all over me because I was so kind and good, but if they could only see me now I thought. He turned on Attila filling the small cab with heavy Music I wasn't used too but I didn't mind because this was all new to me. He put the blunt to his lips and lit it quickly, the cab filled with the sweetest and oddest smell. "Are you ready?" Taking the blunt I did as he had told for me to do and took a big hit and held it in. It was actually really smooth at first but suddenly my throat felt almost itchy and I began to cough like crazy causing him to burst out laughing. "No worries you will get used to it." He said still smiling.

"ROO!!"

Oh shit! I snapped out of it just as Adam tossed me a little bit of his bud to chip in. "How's my favorite friend?!" He said smiling as he sat in the rocking chair next to me. "Same old same old" I replied trying to shake off that flashback and how good things had started verses how things are now. Because Adam didn't need to know That things had become Increasingly more tense and even at times violent. Thankfully he had never done more than slap me, or shove me. There was plenty of verbal abuse though. "Good good! Aaron Shane get your asses in here! This weed won't smoke itself!" Focusing my attention on packing the bowl so I could avoid any further questions I rushed to finish. Putting the first hit into the bowl Shane sat down beside me and Aaron on the other side of him. I handed him the bong smiling sweetly, he returned the smile full force and it was the same smile that lured me in to begin with. He was around 6 ft and very muscular. He had several tattoos and piercings, if that wasn't enough of a warning to most people he also had a Mohawk. It wasn't outrageously long and spiked or anything, it laid perfectly on the side of his head and suited him very well. His features where ridged like he was sculpted from stone and he was also very pale. I studied him closely as he took that first hit. The lighter flicked to life and the flame was pulled into the bowl igniting the bud as he took a huge inhale filling all 3 chambers with smoke. It swirled slowly as he exhaled through his nose preparing for the hit. Pulling the bowl free he inhaled all the smoke in like a pro. None of it left in the chambers, he placed the bowl back in the stem continuing to hold the smoke deep in his lungs till he couldn't any longer. When he finally did exhale hardly any smoke came out. I would have had a coughing fit if I did that but not him. He passed it to Aaron not bothering to give him the lighter. They all smoked so there was no need.

   Surprisingly he let me have the second hit, I was more than ready to forget the incidents of what took place earlier that night. The slap fading quickly like it was never there but his cruel words still stung my already aching heart. I know I didn't want to continue my life this way but I had no idea how to get help or find a way out of it. So for now I would get so high that I didn't feel all the havoc that was stirring deep inside me. I wouldn't feel the starvation for a love that wasn't violent and demeaning. I just wouldn't feel at all. I could snuff it out if only for a moment and feel blissfully high. Mimicking Shane I took a hit as big as he did and actually cleared all the smoke. My lungs burnt and my throats itched but I held it. I welcomed it. "Oh fuckkkkk look at Roo being a little bad ass!" Adam teased and they all laughed causing me to loudly start coughing up smoke. Once I could breath again and had stopped laughing I felt a little lighter. It was easier to smile. To feel like the problems I had were all minor and fleeting. I could feel the begging of what I hoped would be a very good and very long lasting buzz. Smoke filled my tiny apartment floating and swirling around looking for an escape, trapped in this exact place just like me. I wondered how long it would take before the smoke would find its way out or if it would just fade into nothingness. Maybe I was fading into nothingness.