The Anti Hero ⥤ Rick Grimes

[16] What Will and What Won't

Contrary to popular belief, there was once a time in my life where I believed that nobody could do bad- and that all of us were placed on this earth for a very important reason.

Contrary to popular belief, I did use to be happy. I used to have a family. Friends. A home. Hope.

But in commission to popular belief, that did all end when the apocalypse began.

I can remember it vividly- and up until I met Tarzan it was the horrors of the beginning that I saw when I closed my eyes. You know those times, when you're so livid with fear that your entire body rattles and your mouth goes slack? I stood stock still in my place and quaked inside my shoes the moment I saw someone who I believed was very much dead, rise and devour the flesh of one that wasn't.

At first it was a couple of viral videos. The virus went crazy in the cities, and in areas where mass hysteria could easily begin. I lived in a small town real close to the city. My house was this little cottage I could barely afford. It was this consistent loop. I'd work day and night at the local hospital just to be able to afford the place. By the time I reached a point where I was making enough income to live on my own, I working so much that I hardly had time to stay in the cottage.

I can remember the cottage now. I can take tours of it within my mind. The cream coloured walls and the inch long carpet that would tickle my feet in the morning. The previous owner had planted lillies in the front garden that I could hardly contain. Instead of gnomes, she placed little ivory sculptures within the flowers. I'm not sure why- but I always found them creepy.

The neighbours were the best part of my home. To the left was Paisley, a young single mother whose child had only entered second grade by the time I moved in. To the right was an elderly woman named Penny. To be honest, Penny was annoying as shit. She'd always play her television too loud and complain about the condition of the plants I barely looked after. She'd always say "You ought to look after those lillies before-" and then she'd use some terms that I didn't understand nor care. I'd gotten into such a routine that I would jump back at the slightest break of it.

That's what happened. My routine was broken when I heard the two knocks on my front door. In front of it was Paisley and her daughter. Both covered in blood. Paisley had been bitten during a visit to the city- and explained that mass hysteria was the wrong word to cover the events currently taking place. The city was rabid. Covered in monsters. This virus we were told the government had under control had gotten out.

I was a nurse and Paisley felt it fit that she got her bite wound cleaned up. The bitch forgot to mention the part where all it took was one bite and she too, would turn into one of those things.

Short story, she turned into something I could not explain. Her body contorted and turned pale. Her eyes transformed to a complete different colour and she lunged at myself and her daughter with one intent and one intent only.

To eat us.

So I took the kitchen knife and I put it through her shoulder. Didn't work. I then put it through her neck. Didn't work. I then used both hands to take a book from the mantelpiece and I beat her head with it until it was nothing but a glazed surface of pink, blue and red.

At the time I didn't even know what she was or if she could be saved. I didn't even care. Fight or flight and I took fight.

Paisley's daughter Camilla didn't talk the entire time- and I pulled her along with me. The little girl was like a constant weight dragging me down. She didn't want to move. She didn't want to live. Inside her head she was empty. Switched off. After seeing her mother as one of those things she gave off a reaction that made me terrified to see the same.
One day I turned to Camilla, grabbed her hand and squeezed it hard.
"Honey, if you don't want to live you don't have to. You can just stay inside your head and stand still forever. You can. I won't stop you. But I will tell you what will. Those monsters. They'll stop you. They'll hunt you down until you're wide awake and they'll make you so scared that you'll finally want to live- and then it will be too late. Too late because they'll eat you until your bones are exposed and your blood goes an awful colour and you turn into one of them." I remember rubbing my chapped lips together and squeezing Camilla's hand hard enough to hurt her. She didn't react. She just stared into my eyes. "I won't keep you alive unless you want to be. Do you?"

I understood the young child. That feeling of being so livid with fear that you can't stop shaking so violently it feels involuntary? I had felt it from the moment I killed Paisley onwards.

We found ourselves at a colony who resided in the local Barrington house. That's where I met Tarzan.
The most significant thing I realised about Tarzan was the way he made me feel. The fear I had been living suddenly stopped.

He offered me a direction. An option. One that made me feel like I had a chance and I did have a chance.

Now that I look back at it, I was stupid to ever relate the word love to Tarzan. We use to have a relationship. He'd come from behind and wrap his arms around me and tell me he loved me. He'd kiss me when I least expected it. He'd say everything lovers were suppose to say.

But I didn't love him.
I soon came to realise that my fear didn't disappear when I met him.

Before I met Tarzan the walkers were powerful. Then I met Tarzan and his power trumped the walkers. He taught me to fight. To shoot a gun. To count to three before doing anything life changing.

I didn't love Tarzan.
I feared him.

But it was a new kind of fear. A fear I wasn't use to. So I was dumb enough to categorise the feelings as love.

Now...now Rick Grimes...he was different.

I no longer felt fear for anything. Most definitely not for Rick. I felt admiration when I looked at Rick. Relativity. Maybe a kiss was a kiss and a spade was a spade. But feelings were feelings and my feelings told me I was falling in love with Rick Grimes.

I thought about it for hours after the kiss. My body would raise with goosebumps every time that I replayed the moment in my head. In time hours turned to weeks.

It had been three weeks since the kiss. In my head, time had gone by a lot faster than it actually was. I didn't speak to Rick for a lot of it. I felt like I was back in high school again. One look at Rick and panic set in my chest. This was crazy. However, Rick seemed cool about it. Casual, almost.

It was like the kiss had never even happened.

The group spent the three weeks on the road to Washington DC. Diesel got harder to find and eventually we ditched the fire truck. We hot wired cars and rode them until they had no miles left. After that, we repeated the cycle and found another car.

I spent the time getting to know people. I spent the time familiarising myself to the people in my group. I found myself joining tired and usually complaint based conversations with people I never thought I would. I didn't really connect with many, but I found myself amused by Abraham's wit and honesty. He called a spade and spade and he wasn't afraid to say the things that needed to be said.

I wanted to talk more to Maggie- but both her and Sasha were in a tremendous amount of pain and I couldn't bring up the courage to interrupt their mourning.

Three weeks went by easy- and it was now I felt reliant almost. I felt at ease. Now, it was just one foot in front of the other. For a while I could dismiss Rick's kiss as nothing. A heated moment in which both of us got flustered- but it wasn't until Rick and I were walking some what close together than he reached out to me.

He grabbed my hand for a quick moment and squeezed it. His thumb brushed against my hand in a way that sent shivers up my spine. The sun was beating down on my face as we walked down the dirt road. Each and every one of us were sweaty- but it didn't matter.

After Rick and I shared a flustered moment of both physical and eye contact, he let go of my hand.

I was confused to say the least- but romance wasn't going to stop me from thinking straight. I brushed it off in a way I didn't think myself capable of.

It wasn't until this morning that things got really complicated. It wasn't until our water supply and only vehicle dissipated all in the time span of one day, did the shit well and truly hit the fan.

Problems that...well...needed to be solved.