Today is Valentine's Day, honestly, I was very nervous. I am dating someone, we have had our ups and downs but I love her endlessly. But to be honest, I feel she deserves better than me. I have horrible trust issues, for obvious reasons, so I fail to see why I am of her interest. I sometimes think that I am dreaming, that this is all a figment of my imagination.
This girl never fails to surprise me. From the way she dresses, the way her hair flows carelessly as we walk down the halls, to the way a light blush creeps on her face when we have certain conversations. She always seems so happy, but like me, she has her demons. I try my best to comfort her, but I fear they are taking her deeper into the darkness. I knew all about her past, and I wish I had the ability to erase her memories.
This was my first Valentine's Day with her, for we just started dating in June. I wanted to make it special but I didn't know what to get her, so I stuck to the cliche gifts: A small stuffed animal, a rose, a heart shaped box of chocolates, and a chocolate bar.
I arrived at school, my heart basically carving away at my chest. I quickly headed to my locker and put everything away except my school IPad and the bag. We aren't open about our relationship, so I handed it to her adding something like "A gift for my best friend!" She gave me a look somewhere between confusion and slight happiness. I felt my heart drop. How do you possibly fuck up Valentine's Day . You absolute dumbass.
I plastered a slight smile on my face and walked into homeroom. I immediately sat down. I felt eyes on me and turned to CayleeAnne who had a clueless smile on her face. CayleeAnne, Kami, and I struck up a conversation about my step-sister Emily, CayleeAnne's girlfriend, and CayleeAnne told us what she got Emily for Valentine's Day.
After the morning announcements I headed to Chemistry for first period. Thankfully, I sit by my girlfriend in this class. We basically talked about all of our gay ships the whole time. In chemistry, we secretly read fanfics the whole time. Other than the annoying guys at our table, first period was actually fun. Though, we basically learn the same thing every day lol.
It was now time to head to second period, I usually love art, but my recent lack of motivation has caused a downfall in my art skills. My teacher showed me how to draw this stupid fucking bottle at least 5 times, and I still can't. Kaia, Leah, Harley, and I stuck up a conversation about violence, for Harley and I have anger problems.
"You guys should really consider being pacifists" Leah said, raising her eyebrows at Harley and I.
"Excuse me, it isn't as easy as you make it out to be" Harley basically spat at her. I am use to this, the constant fighting at my table. None of us truly get along. I continued to silently doodle my idea for my gargoyle.
"Ms. Orona, get to work" I heard Mrs. McNaul say from CayleeAnne's table. Fucking great, after school she is probably going to be up my ass about finishing.
"This isn't rocket science Abi, your paper literally only has three lines on it" Leah sneered. I slammed my sketchbook on the table, along with my pencils.
"I don't give a damn if it is rocket science or my fucking ABC's, if I don't understand it, I can't do it" I nearly shouted, grabbing the lavatory pass and storming out the door.
I made my way into the bathroom. I turned on the faucet and splashed water onto my face. Watch your temper dumbass! You are fucking psychotic. I dug my nails into my hand praying for the voices to stop. I finally made my way back to class, seeing as there were only like 5 minutes left.
"Nice of you to finally rejoin us Ms. Orona" I heard my teacher say. I just brushed it off.
As I went to my table I picked up my Art Folder and my sketchbook and put them in the drawer. I sat down at my table and opened my IPad and begun messaging my sister.
Abi: Lexi are you able to talk, I am extra bored lmao
Bootyful: Yea, I am in Chorus 😩🔫
Abi: I love how it is a watergun now 😂
Bootyful: Kys
Abi: Sounds like a plan
Bootyful: How has school been
Abi: Well, I am in art rn and I crave death
Bootyful: Same tbh
Bootyful: Shit Mrs. H saw me gtg
Great now I have to be social.
I looked around and saw that everyone had been heading out. Fuck. I made my way down to the girls locker room, silently cursing, as I had forgotten my dodgeball permission slip. I went to my changing square and quickly got changed. I walked into the gym and went over to Andy, one of my best friends. We made the usual small talk than dispersed as we heard our two teachers tell us to get into our lines.
"You will need to be in groups of 8" Mrs. Wilson said. Immediately Hunter, Andy, CayleeAnne, Kami, Emily, Kaitlyn, Madison, and I gravitated toward each other. Hunter jumped into my arms and I laughed, not just because he had done this randomly, but because I knew what I was about to do. I quickly threw him on the floor and he looked up at me with fake hurt in his eyes. We both began to laugh.
"Ok, Andy will ride the scooter, CayleeAnne will do the 10 jumping jacks, Kaitlyn will do the push-ups, Madison will slide under the thingy, Emily will jump through the hoop, Hunter will Crabwalk, Kami will do line jumps, and I will jump rope" I said proudly, everyone agreed. This was an unusual relay race.
"Since Mr. Hughes isn't here, we will just play kickball today and do the race on Thursday" Mrs. Wilson said. Everyone just groaned.
After gym I had 4 minutes to mess around so I played around with Harley and my girlfriend. Afterwards I looked at her (let's call her Anon) and said "Hey Anon, Andy didn't give you a piggyback ride today" I smiled slightly. As if on cue, she hopped onto my back. I giggled and began to chase a loose ball with her bouncing slightly as I ran. I grabbed the ball and carried it into the locker room. I set her down carefully, and looked at her. "Damn you." I thought as I looked at her. Her eyes fell perfectly on mine, her eyes glistening, her hair falling perfectly from behind her ear. I looked down at her lips, a light blush creeped onto my cheeks and I turned away. Sure we have kissed before, but I feel I can never get enough of her. Times like these are when I wish we lived in a perfect world, where it was acceptable to kiss her right then. Without saying a word, I walked out of gym to my next class, Algebra.
{Time skip to after Algebra and American Cultures because I am lazy}
I put everything away except my IPad and phone and headed to lunch. I sat down and then a sudden wave of remembrance hit me. Today our flowergrams were to be passed out. I had bought three: One for Anon, Karlee, and Emma. I got my food, and actually ate today, as I was finally eating more than once a day. Sooner than I thought, they began to pass out the flowergrams. I only got one and it was from my friend, Karlee. I saw that Anon had gotten the one from me, as well as another from Karlee. I saw she was staring at someone and followed my gaze and my eyes landed on her formal crush. He had one red flower (love) and one white (secret admirer). I knew she was dared to buy those for him, but I was still jealous.
The rest of the day flew by, and soon enough I was heading to The Door to hang out with Brianna, Talon, CayleeAnne, Emily, and Liz. I had decided to skip painting sets for the play after school, mainly because I didn't want to see Mrs. McNaul. They all seemed to be having fun, but I couldn't seem to figure out how. Talon noticed that I hadn't been talking and turned on "I'm Not Gay" and began to sing to me, soon we all began to dance. The next song that came on was "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You" covered by Twenty Øne Piløts. Nyge (Liz's boyfriend) had just arrived so basically everyone was being all lovey dovey. I just stood up and began to leave, as I was bored. CayleeAnne and Emily followed me. Instead of going home, we walked to the train tracks. We listened to a whole bunch of emo music and took aesthetic photos.
It was dark by the time Em and I got home.
"How was your day Abi," my mom said.
"Just peachy Mom" I replied before grabbing her headphones and running upstairs. I walked into my room and sat on my bed. I finally listened to the playlist I had made a couple days back, composed mostly of sad songs. After basically contemplating my entire existence, I fell asleep, hoping I wouldn't wake up.
YOU ARE READING
Heart Without a Beat
RandomI don't know what changed, why I thought I was safe. Was it the changing of schools? Maybe it was the "friends" I had made. All I do anymore is plaster on that fake smile that I had thought I could put away forever. Boy, was I wrong. (This is writte...
