where would i be
where would i be without you alexa. probably six feet under. these past few months could of gone in a completely different direction without you in my life. you added purpose to my life where there was none before. you gave me a way to express my feelings where i knew i wouldn't be told some bull like "no you're perfect" "everything will be fine" "you'll make it" you understand. you understand that these phrases do nothing to help. and this year gave me a lot to deal with and without you i probably wouldn't have been able to. like the stress that is taking over and the fear from being bi and what will happen and the fact that i feel like im without emotions. they would've taken me over without you. and this time i don't know that i would've been able to deal with it without something bad happening. the last time a lot happened to me i ran away from home in the middle of the night and rode my bike to my aunts. at the time i didn't realize how much danger i was in and how horrible and stupid that was and how it could've turned out considering where i was riding my bike. in the bad part of town where the drunk guys don't care who it is in the middle of the night. i was stupid. and careless. you becoming my best friend probably saved me from making another stupid reckless decision. and that is why i will never leave you. never in a million years will i stop loving you and being grateful. my life could've gone so differently. i was so alone in middle school. i made horrible choices. i tried to forget everything from the past instead of dealing with it. i let myself become someone i wasn't comfortable with. you brought that out. you brought out the best version of me. you, combined with many other things, have made me who i am right now. and i am so thankful.
there something i saw and it really resonated with me. it was talking about dan and phil and soulmates. it talked about how they were soulmates, but in a way that they were meant to meet. because of it i now believe in this. that everyone has someone they will connect with. someone who they will love unconditionally whether platonic or romantic. i love you alexa and i really believe that you are my platonic soulmate.
in a series i read certain people have a parabatai. this is bond stronger than any friendship or sibling relationship. it is the equivalent of a romantic soulmate but platonic yet it is still something else. it's something unexplainable in english words. i want to believe that you are my parabatai alexa.
something i believe about myself is that i love fast and deeply. it's like i feel nothing but i also feel everything. sometimes i feel like i'm making up all of my feelings and over-exaggerating everything but that's for another night. about the loving fast and deeply. if you read this i hope you know that it's okay if you don't feel this way. that im reading too far into our friendship. but still. most of this is just hope. hope that you will be my platonic soulmate. that you will stay in my life. that you will continue to change me in the best version of myself. that you will love me like i love you.
*name was changed for a sense of my own security
