why can't i get a break for once? why do i have to have so many things to keep in my head? why can't i sleep?
i have too much to do and i can't handle it anymore. i have friends who need me. i have basically a solo wedding to get ready. i have essays and projects. i have a future to plan. why can't i take a break for once? why can't all the things just disappear and leave me alone for even just one second? why can't i get the sleep i need?
why do i do this to myself? i know that i already have a limited window of time in which i can actually sleep. and what do i do. i stay up crying over sad videos. or giving myself a worse headache over the bright screen. or writing paragraphs about i how feel that no one will read.
can't i stay home for once? i'm never home on weekends anymore. there's always this thing to do at someone's house. or this birthday party. or this dinner an hour away. or this or this or that. but why can't i stay home anymore? when i become surrounded by people who are judging my every move. is it worth the fun i may or may not have? when people make fun of the way i speak in a language i barely use. when people expect me to remember every bit of their lives they told me a month ago. when family members ask me questions i'm not comfortable with. when someone who knows me so well along with my problems. leaves me alone with the people i feel the most uneasy with. when family members take the endearing touches a bit too far. is it worth the laughs? the cake? the food i never finish?
when i get to my house which is an hour away. what do i hear but pointed questioning on why i never finished my homework. how can i finish it when my mind is trapped on displaying the perfect girl for my family. how can i finish my homework when all my family does is scold me for not talking and making small talk like the rest of them. how can i finish when my friends need me to help them.
what happens at school? i'm tired. i don't want to talk. i don't walk with my friends because i fear awkward silence. i don't want people asking me if i'm okay or what's wrong. i'm tired. i don't want to deal with anything but my own problems. sometimes i can gather the energy to help my friends. to give them the words they want. but i can be a terrible friend. i can let them struggle. i let them cry. i let them most likely hate me for not coming over. for not helping them. but im tired. im selfish. im horrible. i really care. i do. but just not at that moment.
when will i sleep? when can i rest? when will i not be criticized for not having dark enough skin? when will i stop staying up hurting myself? when will i finally try to help my friends? when do i get a break?
oops i did it again. gotta wake up in four hours so i'm not really helping myself. byeeeeeeeee
-from your local terrible best friend
