right now my mind doesn't have substance. it can't hold on to anything. any thought i try to concentrate on drifts off. it's carried away like a balloon a kid let drift out of their hands.
how can you deal with something when you can't hold on to it long enough to think.
my emotions don't exist at all during this time. i feel nothing for no one. i feel nothing on the things that used to make me sizzle with rage. i just scroll aimlessly and watch the world go by me. i watch people i know go to bed without a second thought. i watch people feel emotions that i don't even know if i have.
sometimes i realize that im faking so many things. i fake my feelings about certain people. i have to fake excitement and love and joy and being tired and being angry and frustrated. i don't know if this is how other people feel. i just let everything wash over me and let my logical side take over and react accordingly. everything i know is just me reacting how i think people think i will.
sometimes i do feel. i feel things when im at my best or at my worst. i feel things when i cuddle with my friends and spoon and just can feel every part of them next to me and i know we're real. i feel things when i find something online that my friends think is funny and while i may find myself laughing because others are, i'm really smiling at the way others laugh. the way people lean on me or use me for support or grip my arm because i just want someone to need me. i feel when i fall in "love" and can't explain for my life logically why my heart beats so fast when they touch me or when they look at me in a certain way. i feel when i can't find a way to explain why i'm suddenly feeling disgust at someone i love with someone else. i feel when someone i love in any way is being hurt by themselves or by others or by me and i can't stop it.
but this isn't my life.
im not in love in that way anymore.
i'm not always needed by someone.
i don't always get to cuddle with the people i need the most in that very moment. the people that help me feel but i only get to see on small occasions.
just because i feel during some moments doesn't mean i feel most of the time. i should consider myself lucky. some people die trying to find ways to get rid of their emotions. people struggle with too many emotions. i want to struggle. i want to feel alive. i want to feel more. i want to experience the feeling of emotions more. i don't want to fake it. i don't want to have to force myself to make me do something i know isn't genuine. to have to logically think out something and react accordingly when i just want to live. i want to screw logic and just react.
but i can't. because i have nothing inside me that reacts. i just feel the gears but i don't feel the electricity. i feel the blood but i don't feel the heart. i feel the heat but i don't boil. i feel the rain but i don't take out my umbrella.
i feel empty.
oh the irony of "feeling" void of feeling
