INSPIRING WORDS!

A note I wrote a while back. (Demons)

WHY ME?

I've shared my life with a few people now and told them of my experiences with bullying and other things in my past. It's been a couple weeks since I've told anyone my story.

Before I told the third person to ever know, only two people knew about my life. Sadly, those two are now gone and it's a painful reminder of what bullying and harsh words can do to people. I told the third person, who I call my brother. (He isn't really my real brother, but since I can't see my real brother, he is the closest person I have :(. )

Ever since I've shared with him, I've felt the pains of the past crawling back. I know it is just bringing them up, but they still hurt. It is still a painful reminder of what I went through. I thought that telling him wouldn't help. I can honestly say it did. He knows almost everything... key word almost, but he'll never understand it.

I've cried myself to sleep numerous times over these things. The demons still eat away at me and I have to keep reminding myself that I have a life and dreams to fight for. Family and friends who do care about me. 

Things that those demons say still hurt. One of them is harsh and I wish it would go away. "I'll never be good enough to reach my dreams because I've failed."

I haven't failed, but it is just a reminder. Is it because I'm afraid I won't reach my future? Life is a mess and I don't know sometimes. I have the best family, the best friends and the best dreams, but I lack the self-confidence. I know so many people who care, but why does it feel like they only pad the surface to make things seem alright? Am I alone? No I'm not, but why do I feel alone?

The scars of the past come back so often and yet I can't pretend to be okay with my present and future... I'm scared. Am I able to reach those dreams? YES I CAN, but can I?

Figuring out life in my head seems so easy until I look at reality and wanna hide from it. Is it possible my dreams will just stay dreams? I have the skills to do everything. Can I conquer the demons and figure out my mind. 

My mind is a place of creativity, inspiration and more, but I get panic attacks due to hearing certain songs. Should I have brought up my past at all? To me yes. People can finally see just how broken I truly am. I pretend to smile and be okay, while inside me, I'm freaking out and worrying.

People will know how much it means that I've shared with them this note or anything else. I see all the dreams and know I can reach them. It is how I can reach them.

I CAN DO THIS IF I BELIEVE I CAN. STOP SAYING I WANT TO DO IT AND START SAYING I WILL. 

I still try to hold this truth, but I feel like I'm losing it more and more. I just hope all the bad thoughts go away because my life is in chaos.

-Note from Wailan's Diary. 

This is an actual post from my Diary on Janurary 13th, 2014. 

I decided to share it because it really does say a lot. I've read so many posts like it from people I know who have been bullied. 

DON'T EVER LET THE DEMONS OF YOUR LIFE CONTROL YOU. IF YOU CAN'T GET OVER THEM, TALK TO SOMEONE. IT IS HARD TO TALK WITH SOMEONE, BUT TRUST ME. YOU'LL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. THE PAIN WILL BE THERE IF YOU TALK, BUT DO IT. 

TAKE A RISK AND GATHER YOUR COURAGE.