Tempting Fire

470 days

I launch myself out of bed, my heart trying to escape my chest, clothes sticking to a body that doesn't feel like mine, mixed with sweat and blood. Every part of my body is screaming at me, protesting as I try to move to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror pealing off my clothes, wincing. Slashes and cuts becoming visible, one is on my chest, I try to slow my breathing as each breath is like a stab in the heart waiting to kill me.

I wish It would.

I didn't want to but I needed too. I turn my back to the mirror, my eyes wide as I see where most of the damage is always done, my entire back is covered, there are more cuts than flesh. The first time I ever got them I worried about infections, but I soon learned that they are completely healed by the end of the day, like they were never there. There are 17 slashes to my back, I know because I counted and felt everyone of them. A welted spiral is forever on my wrist, this one never disappears. A constant reminder as if I needed one.

"Madison, are you awake?" her voice hurts my ears, not expecting it.

I try to shout back yes but it gets stuck in my throat. I cough and try to clear it.

"Yes mum." escapes my lips, it doesn't sound like my voice but it is loud enough for her to hear.

I stand in the shower as the stinging radiates through my back, I shower every morning, still scared that infections start before it has the chance to heal. I have nothing to grip on to, I dig my nails in the palm of my hands so hard I draw blood. A scream wants to escape my body but I cant and I wont.

Grabbing the black pyjamas that I wear every night and wash them, I couldn't let my mum see them. Blood pools at my feet, not sure if its just from my pyjamas or if my back was still bleeding.

I manage to get out the shower without fainting or falling. I needed to keep going, lying in a heap on the floor, no matter how much I wanted to was not an option. I checked my face in the mirror my black fringe sticks to my forehead even when its dry, my blue eyes too big for my pale gaunt face. Make up was my only saviour and the only mask to stop people seeing me. I wrap my body every morning in in bandages, three layers.

Walking downstairs I start to prepare myself, my smile I hoped looked normal, making sure my wrist was covered. I pull my sleeve down further covering the red welts that took permanent place. I didn't enjoy summer days, clothes stuck to my body making sure I was in pain with every movement. I had to leave for school in 5 minutes, I loved school. The only part of the day that made me feel normal.

My mum was standing in the kitchen flipping pancakes, guilt took over. She was so happy, I wish I could be too. It would break her heart to see it was all an act. The kitchen wasn't much but it was just me and my mum. Our table was big enough for two but it was all we needed.

Chase my dog has seen me and comes barrelling towards me and flops straight on his back waiting for attention. I giggle. He wasn't little and he was bigger than most retrievers but he was mine.

"Smells good mum" and it really did, my stomach was rumbling, I had a plate already set out and started to eat them, they tasted as good as they smelled. I didn't see my mum as much as I would like, my dad died when I was 3 and ever since she has worked fulltime plus overtime as a nurse at the local hospital. She refused to let me get a job and help with money because school was important.

The doorbell interrupts my thoughts, chase stands stalk still trying to figure out if he needs to bark or go get some more attention from who ever was at the door. Such a goof ball.

"Jen come in" I shout at the closed door.

"Ok let your dog know its me" I laugh and go open the door.

"Its not funny mads, his bark is terrifying" she looks embarrassed but laughs with me.

He has moved off beside my mum now, hoping to catch any food that might fall. He makes me smile and mean it.

Jen grabs two pancakes and manages to fit most of them in her mouth, I don't know how she does it. She ate food more than anyone I knew and was still as thin as a stick with curves in all the right places, where as my bum and thighs had an agenda of their own.

"Lets go before we are late for school" And devours half of my kitchen. I drag her out to the car.

"We have a dress up Halloween party tomorrow" she half sings the last part like its the best news in the world. Its not."Since when have I ever went to a party? and besides its march. Who has a Halloween party in march?" I really was confused.

"Dan hawk that's who, and it might be our last party together. ok our first and last party, please mads for me?" I can see the hopeful look on her face as she concentrates on driving.

"Ok but I get to choose what I wear" I say not feeling happy about the decision but she was my best friend. My only friend to be exact.

She squeals like a proper girly girly and I feel embarrassed for her as the guys in the next car hear it and are laughing at her. She doesn't care and that's why I love her.

Four classes in and two to go, school was already going too quick.
Jenny has been talking for the last hour about her boyfriend Jared, she spends either most of her time talking about him or with him. I try to be a good friend and listen but half the time my mind is somewhere else and I just nod here and there. It seems to work.
"Mads? Did you hear what I just said?" Oh no.
I smile at her and laugh. Nudges me
"Your just jealous!" And pokes me in the side making me squirm, my back is starting to feel better but once that happens I know night time isn't far away.
I was jealous but not of Jared.
"I'm just getting some and you're not" She has a smug smile on her face. But I just laugh. Getting some. I laugh again.
"Getting some is not on my agenda, now or in the future"
Her eyes go all dreamy on me "oh but you should Mad's. what happened to the boy you" she whispers the next part mocking me "got some with" I roll my eyes at her, I lost my virginity when I was sixteen just to get rid of it and I can say it wasn't as fun as people made out. "You need to do it more than twice" she looks at me dreamily.
"Pull yourself together" I do a light slap across her face but she just winks at me.
By the time she has finished giving me all the reasons why I should be getting some and anything else I seem to be missing out on. We are in her car waiting for her to say bye to Jared.
"Aren't you seeing him in like an hour?" My eyes wide. What's happened to her.
It's not that I don't like him. It's just.
"Hey sweet cheeks" yeah your right, I don't like him. He winks at her like it's he sexiest thing in the world.
Jen blushes and I do a double take at her waiting for her to laugh like it's a big joke. I mean he wasn't ugly but he thought more about his hair than he did most people.
I stare ahead and hope this is over quickly, but I just can't get over the sound. I turn, I shouldn't but I do. I can hardly see her face for it being sucked off by boy wonder! He's like a hoover. I can't help but burst out laughing and instantly feel bad but she doesn't care.
They finally stop kissing. Thank the lord baby Jesus!
"See you soon yeah?" She nods like she's lost in his eyes. "52minutes" and I thought it couldn't get any worse.
"So rude mads, don't worry that will be you soon" I bloody hope not!
"He had half your face in his mouth, I've never seen something so ridiculous" we both burst out laughing together.
"Ok he needs a bit of training, but he will get there. I will make sure of it"
Just a bit.

We make it home through fits off laughter about Jared and his hoover. I walk in the house and can tell my mum isn't here. There's a note
on the fridge.

so sorry sweetie but I have to go into work tonight, I made casserole you just need to heat it up. Chase has had his walk. Hopefully be home before you go to bed.

Another night alone. Chase comes running excitedly towards me. Not completely alone.

Really hope you are enjoying it so far :)
My favourite character so far is definitely her dog chase! If only dogs could talk!
Sorry for any mistakes, will edit out later any spelling etc.
<3
Lynsey