Stuff and things

Colors

Lying in my bed awake,
I look at my clock and the bright red 3:00 A.M flashes back at me.
As I close my eyes i see yours, the way the always looked so beautiful, yet I couldn't help but notice they were dulling with each passing moment.
Eventually the colors in your eyes started to fade, and I became worried.
So I invested myself in you, tried my damn hardest to make you better.
In doing so I put myself in a spot where I knew I wouldn't be happy, however I could not let go.

Now it's over,
And you're gone.
The feelings I thought we shared aren't so apparent anymore.
Even within the first day, you showed no signs of being affected at all.
The optimistic side in me likes to think that you are just pushing all those feelings down, and trying to be strong,
But I know deep down that there are no feelings that you're trying to hide,
Because it didn't mean anything to you did it?
Nothing that happened matter.
And it was clear in the way you treated me.

But I was okay with that.
I was content with the idea that it was okay for me to be constantly in a state of worry and self loathing as long as you were somewhat okay and happy.
How wrong i was.

Even now I wish I could tell you how much I still want us to work.
I have to hold myself back every time I open up our texts and write out how much I want you back, how much I miss your touch.

There were times when you did genuinely show me you cared,
It was small little things, things that would've gone unnoticed by many but gave me so many feelings.

But that wasn't enough to make up for the effort you didn't care to put in.
I tried every day, to initiate, and to push us forward,
But you were holding us back.
You were, and still are holding me back.

I don't know if I'll ever truly forget about you, and to be honest I don't really want to.
Because it reminds me that I should be good enough,
And that I should be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be.

"If you ever wanna be in love, I'll come around. ... I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up." James bay wrote that, and it stands true to me.
If you decide you finally want to put in the effort and show me you care, I'll be here, as unhealthy and insane that is,
My promise will stay true.

I'll be here as long as you want me to be.