Stuff and things

Final words.

The week had been amazing.
We were in a good place, things were looking good, sure we had our rough moments but finally our long talks and communicating had payed off, there had never been more hope for us than at that moment.
I was lost in your eyes,
Your touch,
They way your body felt against mine as we cuddled our worries away.
The way you drew circles and patterns on my back after pulling closer to you.
All these little things were sweet gestures showing me you cared.  And I took them for granted.
I always thought that you just had your own way of showing me you cared but I know now, that that wasn't the case.
I tried.
I tried so damn hard,
To make sure you were happy,
And that you were in a good spot,
But in doing so I lost myself within you.
Normally I would be okay with that.
I would love that feeling,
If
That feeling was returned.
And that was the problem.
It wasn't, not once, did you go out of your way to show me, that you really did care.
Now here I am,
A mess,
Shaking,
Trembling,
Because the thought of not being with you hurts so damn much.
But I had to do it. I had to end things before they got so far out of hand that I settled with the idea that it was okay for me to go through what you put me through. Because it isn't, it will never be okay.
I will never be okay.
I'll always have the scars you left behind.
Because I fell too hard,
Carelessly head over heels for you,
I would do anything to make it work.
Honestly if you came crawling back my unintelligent, unthoughtful and emotional distraught-ass would probably take you back. Because you mean so fucking much to me. You don't understand when I say that you were my last thought before I go to sleep and my first when I wake up.
This is because every time I close my eyes I see yours, your beautiful green eyes piercing into mine and giving me hope.
And I imagine the warmth of your body against mine,
And the touch of your rough fingers dragging across my skin.
But,
As I wake up,
Oh so desperately wishing that what I was imagining the night before wasn't a dream it hits me it was, and my chest goes empty, I lose all the air in my lungs and panic and fear replace it,
But not fear of death.
Fear of never being with you again.
What you put me through was a crucible, now it's time for me to make my choice,
I either stand down and break, come out brittle and weaker than before.
Or I compose myself, get out there and never look back.
As much as I want to follow the second option, it will be the most painful thing I've yet to do, but I know it's right, so I'll do it, in hope that I find someone as beautiful as you someday.