midnight thoughts

Too Fast

I feel like my life is flying by me and I can't even stop to see what happens.

I remember the first day of kindergarten, how innocent I was. How unready I was for this world and how it would affect me. How my life just started and I'd go through so much without knowing. I remember how much I thought about how much I didn't know about this world and how it worked.

I remember the last day of 5th grade. Everyone crowded in the Library crying their eyes out knowing that they may never see their friends again. I remember balling my eyes out, I had two friends, one was moving to Tallahassee, one was going to another middle school. I remember after school where we went to the Y and danced to old songs and sang our hearts out to high school musical. I remember watching you leave in your car knowing I'd never see you again.

I remember the first day of 6th grade. None of my friends went to this brand new environment. I had no one. No one to help me through the awkward first year of middle school. I remember how embarrassing it was to walk into the wrong classroom and be late to my real one. I remember learning kids names and attempting to distinguish the popular from the nerds.

I remember meeting you. My opposite. A complete stranger. I knew of your existence. But I never knew you. We met in a hallway and you casually said "Hello fellow trombone player". I remember stuttering and awkwardly saying "hi" back. I remember getting to know you and trying to become your friend. The rest is history.

I remember meeting you. Our lunch table was empty and you decided to sit here with your two other friends. I first thought you were some popular girl who cheerleads like the rest of the popular girls. I remember learning your name and slowly getting to know you from other friends and soon enough becoming your friend as well. Seeing past the vessel and seeing your soul and who you're actually are.

My life has gone by me so quickly and it's scary to not have control on stopping and actually enjoying my time here on Earth. Because one day we'll all not be here, we'll be elsewhere, spending eternity in paradise with your pet dog.

I never expected to be who I am today.
I never expected to be friends with the people I'm friends with now.
I never expected to have these insecurities or these thoughts in my head on who I should be and what decisions I should make.
I use to be scared of the person I am today but I became them. I became my fear and it's tearing me down everyday not showing who I actually am.

I want to be human. I want to have all A's and perfect hair and have a perfect body and perfect face with a lover and a perfect family with no problems and basically have an unproblematic life.
But that's not possible.

I can't stop time to fix my mistakes. I can't stop and fix awkward moments or take back what I said to people or become people's friends again or forgive people for what they did. Because sometimes I just can't.

Can time just slow down so I can watch my life roll out on my consent please thank you.