the edge

4.

delilah

friday was the best day of the week for a majority of people, the last day of the long school week, the night with the best parties. for me, friday just meant another weekend in my own personal hell. i truly hated going there, and if i could i would spend those weekends at home in my room. but, it wasn't up to me.

i was terrified to sit through group therapy again. branson reminded me so much of garrett and it brought back so many things i spent forever trying to forget. sometimes i wished that i had the guts to kill myself like he had- after all that was the plan. if i wouldn't have been so scared then maybe i would be wherever he is now and nothing would hurt anymore. i am so tired of everything hurting.

"delilah- nice of you to finally join us." everyone looked up at me as i made my way to my seat and as much as i tried to ignore his stare i couldn't. my eyes met his and he looked so sad it made me feel worse for not befriending him. was it worth it to talk to him if it brought back so many bad memories? "would you like to tell us anything that happened over the past week?"

i shook my head and looked down at my lap until she moved on to the next person. i didn't pay any attention to anything being said until branson spoke up from across the room and i couldn't help but listen.

"my mom asked me why i have to make her life so difficult and it made me want to scream because if she would just let me die then i wouldn't have to bother her or anyone else ever again." he glanced at me after he finished speaking and the expression on his face made me want to hide. i knew i was one of the people he was referring to and i wanted to tell him how it wasn't his fault that i couldn't make myself hold a conversation with him and that he deserved to live just like everyone else in here but i just couldn't and it made me feel worse than i already did.

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"delilah- would you mind sticking around for a few minutes?" i sighed in response but didn't get up to leave as everyone else left the room towards the dining area.

"if you don't speak during group therapy you're never going to get better, we're all here to help each other."

"i had nothing new to say. i feel the same way i felt last weekend and the weekend before that and all of the other weekends before that."

"is this about garrett still? you have to move on delilah. holding onto him won't do anything but harm you." i winced at the mention of his name and wished i could go back to the first weekend i was here when we first met and avoid him.

"can i go to my room early? im not very hungry anymore."

she nodded before standing from her chair and walking me towards my room. "if you ever decide you want help you can come to me. i'll try to understand how you're feeling and i'll do my best to help." she smiled and turned back towards the dining area where everyone was as i walked into my room and got ready for bed.

hours had passed and i was still awake. we weren't allowed to have anything in our rooms that could be potentially harmful so there weren't many things to entertain you if you couldn't sleep. we were allowed magazines sometimes- as long as the staples that bound the pages together were removed. we couldn't have any electronic devices which sucked the most in my opinion. if i were home and couldn't sleep i would usually scroll through twitter or tumblr, but here there was nothing to distract me from my sadness. i kind of wanted to at least try to talk to branson, i was just scared that we'd become close friends and he'd leave me like garrett had. i couldn't handle that again, i really think it would kill me.

i didn't really have any friends anymore, when people at school found out i was here every weekend they basically made me an outcast. it didn't bother me that much- i just missed having friends to hang out with. i missed the time before everyone found out what a freak i am. i missed having garrett to talk to.

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