the edge

5.

branson

i waited and waited for delilah to walk through the door to the dining area but she never did. im not sure why i still cared, she made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me. i don't know why it hurts so much when she ignores me- i've only ever spoken to her a couple of times and even then it wasn't anything meaningful. it isn't like we were best friends or even acquaintances. i knew i hurt her when i spoke during group earlier. i wish i could say that wasn't my intention but it was. i hoped if i made her feel bad enough she would actually have a conversation with me, but i was wrong once again. i made my way to my room and sprawled out on the thin mattress they give us. i wished more than anything that i had my phone with me so that i could at least listen to music. im not sure where they get the idea that taking everything away from us will help but it really doesn't. i had nothing to distract me which was the one thing i needed.

trying to sleep in this place is almost impossible- it's freezing and they only give us a thin blanket because they're scared we'll find a way to kill ourselves with a normal one. i considered sneaking out of my room but where would i even go? it's not like there's anyone dying to talk to me and the one person i would actually like talking to wants nothing to do with me.

--

i woke up to the sound of the alarm clock on the bedside table ringing loudly, signaling it was seven am. we had a pretty strict schedule up until group therapy- after that we were pretty much allowed to do whatever we wanted until it was time to go to our rooms for the night.

i made my way from my room to the dining area and saw delilah sitting alone at the table furthest from everyone and decided i would try one more time to talk to her. i walked over and sat directly in front of her and instead of the greeting i was hoping for i got silence. after five minutes had passed i finally decided to say something, "hey, can we talk?"

"about what? we aren't friends, branson."

"we could be, you just won't give me a chance."

"give you a chance to what? watch us become close then leave me? i don't think so." she got up and walked out of the dining room, leaving her food behind.

i wanted to follow after her but it was almost time for my individual therapy session, which i wasn't allowed to be late to, so i went ahead and walked to the counselors room to wait.

"branson, you're here early. is everything okay?"

"no better or worse than usual."

"do you want to talk about anything in particular?"

"no offense but you aren't the person i want to talk to, so not really."

she nodded and didn't say anything else. i assumed she was waiting for me to say something again, which i didn't plan on doing.

we sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, but i appreciated the fact she had taken my statement seriously and wasn't forcing me to talk to her.

when i got up to leave, though, she stopped me.

"branson, i do have one question before you leave."

i looked at her.

"you said you don't want to talk to me, but is there anyone in particular you would want to talk to?"

i paused. there was a weird feeling inside my chest. i hadn't wanted anything that involved living in a long time, and i didn't like the feeling of rejection i got every time delilah avoided me. i didn't want to want her friendship, but i did. i also didn't feel comfortable revealing any of this to my therapist. what could she do about it anyway? it's not like she could force delilah to be my friend.

"no one who wants to talk to me," i replied.

"i'm sure that isn't true, branson."

"i'm sure it couldn't be any more apparent." i didn't look back as i left her office.

later that day, during group therapy, i did my best to not look anywhere in delilah's general direction. when mrs. lee directed a question towards me, i didn't even speak. i wanted to get up and leave but i knew i couldn't get away with that, so i just sat there and ignored the group.

during free time, i sat in the corner and stared at the wall. one of the nurses walked up to me when it was time for dinner. i groaned.

delilah was alone in the cafeteria. i didn't mean to look for her, but my eyes had wandered and now she was looking right back at me. i frowned, looked away, sat at an empty table, and drew patterns on the wood with my finger. i wondered absentmindedly if i could crack my skull open on the surface, but i didn't want to traumatize anyone around me.

moments passed and suddenly a shadow loomed over the table's surface in front of me. i looked up, confusion surging through me.

"delilah?"

"it's not you, okay?" she took a deep breath, her frown never faltering, "i used to have a friend and he isn't here anymore and you remind me of him so i really want to talk to you but i can't because if you decide one day you're just tired of living, i'm going to be left here again feeling even more alone than i do now. it's selfish and cowardly but i can't handle losing another friend."

"garrett." i stated, and delilah winced as though i had physically reached out and slapped her.

"don't," she shook her head, closing her eyes briefly, "don't say his name, and don't ask about him."

"i wasn't going to." i breathed out, lying through my teeth.

"whatever. i can't be your friend. i'm sorry."

she walked away.

© 5secondsofshy 2017

also thx to my bff for writing like half of this 🌿