Before Incarceration

Alex

           

Guilt. I guess that was what I was feeling. But not just that... I was feeling guilty for what I wasn't feeling guilty about. I knew that I didn't want to be with Silvy. I don't feel bad for being with Piper. It's what I want. So, my guilt doesn't stem from there. It can't. I feel guilty for feeling burdened with this trivial shit when one of my falcons, a member of our drug cartel that keeps an eye on the outside, died. If I hadn't been so concerned with sleeping with Piper and sneaking it past Silvy, he could still be alive. Derek could still be alive. He was an actual person whose death was disregarded as his teammates celebrated a big win. I also feel guilty for my way of mourning or accepting his death: sex. And no, I'm not regretting my relationship? with Piper. She's great. I'm just fucked up. That's it. I felt guilty because I am dragging this beautiful, innocent, potential filled girl into my fucked up, dangerous, unpredictable life. People die, get arrested, and more and more each fucking day. I shouldn't do this to her. She has a life ahead of her. I can't have her end up like Derek. I have to do the right thing. I gently slid her arm from around me and slowly got out of the bed. Gathering my clothes from off the floor, I gave a longing look back at her and felt my chest get heavy. This is it. If I walk out on her again, there is no going back. I have to accept that it's for the best and let her move on. As I reached for the doorknob, I heard the bed squeak.
"You better be going to get a glass of water or something, Alex," I could hear the fear in her shaky voice. "Alex? Tell me you aren't leaving again?" I could literally feel my heart break at her words.
"Pipes... I..." I started as I turned around to look at her. Her blue eyes had a sparkle from the tears welling up inside.
"No, Alex. No excuses. You can't keep fucking with me like this. I care about you. If I'm just someone to sleep with to you, then you picked the wrong girl," she said, her voice rising and tears falling down her cheeks.
"Piper, no. That's not it. You're much more than that to me. Much more! That's why I'm so lost... I don't want to ruin your life-"
"No, I'm not a child, Alex. You aren't dragging me into anything. I'm going willingly. I am an adult and I can make that decision for myself. Wherever you go, I go," the firmness in her voice made her intentions clear: she wanted to be with me. No matter what.
"Someone died, Piper," the voice that came out, sounded nothing like me. I felt away from my body as I was still trying to convince the best thing that's ever happened to me, to leave. Her face immediately fell and she reached out for me. I obliged and sat down next to her on the bed, tears slowly escaping my eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Al... Who was it? Were you close?" she asked, rubbing her small hands against my back.
"He was part of the cartel... one of the lowest ranked, but yes, we were considerably close. I've known him for years. His name was Derek, and he was a good guy, Piper. A good guy that went down the wrong path and got trapped. What if that happens to you?" I couldn't help but wonder. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her.
"Nothing is going to happen to me. I'm very sorry for what happened to Derek. Honestly, I can't even imagine. But you have to realize that it's not going to happen to me. I know it won't because I'm not joining the cartel. I'm just joining you," I heard what she was saying, but she was being naïve.
"Being with me is basically the same thing as being part of the cartel. I can't promise you safety, and if I got caught or arrested, they'd go directly to you next, Pipes," I explained. I wish I was wrong, but I had to protect her before I couldn't. To my surprise, Piper laughed.
"Alex, I am never going to get arrested. Have you met me? I am the epitome of a goody two shoes," she joked. I couldn't help but join her and laugh.
"Okay, you have a good point. Maybe that's why you like me? I'm the black to your white, the yin to your yang, the-"
"Okay, okay, okay! Hush," she laughed, gently pushing my face away.
"You can make me hush, you know? You do have that ability," I kidded. Her lips crashed into mine and I could feel her smile underneath. I may be bad for Piper Chapman, but I'm beginning to think she's perfect for me.

Derek's picture was from a party that Fahri hosted a couple years back. He looked so happy. So unaware that his life was coming to a close rapidly fast. The church holding the service for him was filled with people who pretended to know Derek. I couldn't honestly say that I even truly knew him... it's just something about death that makes you feel like you could have been so much closer to the lost than you ever were. A tap on my shoulder tore me away from my thoughts. I turned around to see the one and only, Silvy.
"Silvia," I said.
"Alex," she imitated, crossing her arms across her chest. "We need to talk." Well, she wasn't wrong. I nodded and we walked out of the church. There was a slight breeze which made the normal chilly New York air even colder.
"I can't believe he's gone. We saw him last week," I said in awe.
"Yeah, me either. But honestly, Alex... If I wanted to talk about Derek, I'd be inside."
"You can be a real bitch sometimes, you know?" I inquired.
"And you can be a real whore," she jabbed. "What are we doing, Alex? Are you throwing away our relationship for some slut? Is that it?"
"She's not a slut, Sil," my first instinct was to defend Piper, and by the look at Silvy's face after I did, I realized that wasn't the best choice.
"Alright, fine. But as soon as she leaves you or you get bored, you cannot come back to me. I swear to God, Alex. If you want to be over, then we are over. We aren't even friends. And I promise you this, if that bitch does one wrong move... anything I don't like, I will handle her. And if she is good enough to you to leave me, I wouldn't push your luck," she threatened. Before I could even think of a response, she was gone. She didn't actually scare me. She's full of shit. I know that... but will Piper?