Recovery || Phan

Slammed Doors

Dan POV

Its warm. Unusually warm. Too warm for the embrace of my duvet. And what is this weighted feeling i feel on my waist? I flutter my eyes open, the evening sun painting its way through my open curtains. I feel something tickling the back of my neck, but find it strangely comforting. I close my eyes once again a nuzzle into whatever it is im laying on.

I then feel a hand shimmy its way down my thigh and my eyes dart open and im scurrying off the bed to find sanctury.

Why is there someone in my bed? I dont remember them even getting in? Was i drugged? Is it him? Is this even my...? Oh god not again...

Im shaking, uncontrollably, into my knees as i feel my throat tighten and the air in my lungs thicken.

This cant be happening, he cant be...

"D-dan?"

I hear someone, groggily say.

Phil?

When did you get in my bed? Scratch that, why is he in my bed?

All these unspoken thoughts seem to dance its way across my face as Phil gets up to join me.

He kneels doen beside me and grabs my hand.

I find the feeling repulsive and i can physically feel the vomit collect up in my throat as his skin comes into contact with mine. The heating feeling of shared body contact sending shivers to my bones.

I pull away and find a face of hurt and rejection replace his anxious worry.

"S-sorry. Y-you startled me!" I give a meekish smile.

"Its okay..."

Silence.

"Dan?- " He starts.
"W-what was that earlier? In the shower? and just now when i touched you?" His voice is completely masked with worry, and i cant help but melt at the sound.

"W-what do you mea-mean?" I stiffen as i contemplate the nature of his questions.

"Dan!" He says sternly but in a way thats strangely soothing.

"We won't get anywhere if you dont talk to me. Come on! You can tell me anything. Thats hardly news" He giggles nonchalantly, and i can physically feel myself break at his joy filled words, knowing that i could ruin that.

I feel myself shake slightly, the anticipation of this whole ordeal catching up to me and wracking through my spine, unable to breath.

"I- i cant..." i sob.

He moves closer to me, hand lifting to take my hand. But i push him away...

I stumble to my feet, tears flooding the cushions under my eyes, as i draw shaky breaths against my hands, trying to stop it, trying to calm down.

I can feel Phil stand up and hover behind me, reaching to grip my shoulder, as a gesture meant for solitude, but only reminding me of the force he used to grasp the same spot.

I move away-again. Something i seem to do alot.

The look of utter rejection on Phils face is enough to make me hate myself even more. He'd be better of if he didnt have to deal with my problems.

"GET OUT!" I yell, biting my tounge ferociously, already hit with that metal tang of my blood.

He doesnt move. Only stands where he is footed and stares at me patiently, as if im only a resisting child having a tempur tantrum.

"I said GET OUT! THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! so just leave me alone!" I screech, moving forward abruptly to push him.

It wasnt supposed to be a harmful push. Except he loses his balance and descends backwards, a look of terror painting its way across his face as he bangs his head on the corner of my bed frame.

Instantly i feel terrible. My arms itching to rush to his side, my legs keeping me glued to the spot. My eyes widen as i realise that ive actually hurt him. Guilt cutting into me as i see him pull his hand away from the back of his head, smeared in blood.

"I-i Ph-..."

My mind seems to jolt back into coordination as my body brings me forward, voice shakily uttering an apology!

"Phil im s-so s-sor-sorry. I didnt mean i-"

He cuts me off by waving my hand away from him in my attempt to offer help up.

His face is something i prayed i would never be on the recieving end of. 

Hurt. Not just any variation, the kind of hurt you never expected to feel. The one where you feel betrayed and almost dissappointed by the person whom inflicted it.

That person is me.

I almost expect him to shout back at me and shove me equally as hard out of retaliation. Even punch me. Except what i guess is worse.

He huffs a tired huff. And without a single word, walks away out of my room.

Silence. Silence is postively the worst punishment anyone can ever receive. It makes you feel like you arent even worth the time to scream and shout and waste your breath on.

God am i stupid.

My thoughts are interrupted by a sudden slam of a door.

Sigh.

Why did i do that? Why did i lose it? He was only trying to help!

And then i realise!

He touched me.

Not only touched me, but asked why i refused his touch.

He unknowingly brought up feelings that ive been trying so hard to ignore!

And as a thank you to a helping friend, i turn around and take it all out on him, as if he was the one to blame for what happened to me.

Phil would never hurt anyone, let alone me.

But the thought of anyone, including Phil, ever touching me ever again, i cant let that happen.

Everytime it does, i feel like the sun is exploding on my skin, and bile collecting up in my stomach, urging me to get away.

Im scared. Scared to be touched.

As i sit beside my bed, craddling my head in my knees, tears gathering up in my ducts, burning down my cheeks, thoughts on phil and on what happened racing through my head, guilt and trauma seeping through my heart- i wonder...

What has he done to me?

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A/n: wow this was so long for an update. Do you guys like where im taking this story? Oh who am i kidding, no one cares. But im still going to carry on because i love doing this.

Anyway im going to stop procrastinating and prepare for my ASLevel Photography exam. Wish me luck non existent readers.

Ciao 🤗

Reposted version: 29/06/2017

So finally have this chapter back up. Literally no one cares, but it's nice to get your thoughts out you know. :)) Anyway This is significantly shorter than before, because i felt like i crammed too much off the plot into 1 chapter which made it feel rushed. Anyway enjoy. I know i (sort of) did. (Who knew writing to a schedule could be so hard eh?)

Love ya'll
Xx