Raise a Glass to Freedom

Just breathe

College Lams AU!
Laurens has anxiety and Hamilton is a great boyfriend and helps him through it

Laurens POV:
We parked next to a black van. I didn't really like this but didn't say anything to Alex as we got out of the car to go to dinner. Part of my brain began to list off everything that could go wrong- someone could be hiding behind the van waiting to kidnap me, someone could be hiding inside the van, it could be a CIA car and we could be falsely suspected of a crime. I pushed away the thoughts and stepped out of the car, still careful not to touch the van. As we walked across the parking lot, the chilly air caused me to start shivering. Alex wrapped his coat around me. It smelled like him, which comforted me. We began to walk the several block walk to our restaurant. As we walked, I thought of every situation in which everything could go wrong- someone might be hiding behind that door, the guy passing me on the street might have turned around as soon as I passed, is he coming back to get me? I began to panic. A series of fire engines passed, sending screeching noises into the dark night. The piercing sound only added to my mounting fear. Alex placed his hands over my ears to muffle the sound. He knows me too well. He lowered his hands when the last of the fire trucks passed and smiled at me reassuringly.

"You okay?" He said, reaching for my hand. There was a lump in my throat so I nodded. I didn't trust myself to talk. "Hey," he squeezed my hand, "We can leave as soon as you need to- just let me know and we can go back to the car right away. Okay?" I nodded again. I tried to push away the thoughts but they kept pushing on the outskirts of my consciousness.

The restaurant was busy and bustling when we arrived. It was a fancy salad place. Very hipster-y. And of course you talked to the people at the counter and they made the salad just for you. I took a deep breath, you can do this, John. Look, all you have to do is tell her what you want on your salad. Deep breaths. "Is there even a table here?" Alex said as we waited in line. "We can get it to go," he added. To be honest, I wanted to get it to go. I wanted to eat my salad in the car, where I didn't have to be painfully aware of the movements of those around me. "Oh look," said Alex, pointing, "There's a table over there!" I hurried over to sit at it. "I'll get food after you sit down so nobody takes our table." I watched from the table as Alex ordered his salad, happily making conversation with the chef. How does he do it? I noticed there was a man leaning against the wall behind me. Is he looking at me? He has a nice shirt on- he's probably on a date. And I'm sitting at the only free table. I'm ruining his date! I wish I could just disappear! I stood up halfway- keeping my hand on a chair. The man came over and sat at the table. Alex came back and being the total extrovert he was, started talking to the guy right away. I guess we're all going to sit at the same table. Not like I mind. Actually I do mind, very much so. If he sits at the table, I probably won't be able to relax through all of dinner. I realized I should probably order my salad. I went up to the counter. The chef was waiting there.

"Uh, hi," I said. I wanted to disappear. "Um- I- can I have romaine lettuce... ok um... apple pieces... er- is that quinoa? Okay... I'll have that and the carrot pieces. Yeah, that's it... no thanks I don't really want any dressing." I payed for my salad, blushing deeply. By this time all I wanted to do was leave. But Alex, being typical Alex, had already gotten into a deep discussion with the guy at our table. I didn't deserve to ruin his fun. I didn't dare take my eyes off my salad as I ate, for fear that I might accidentally make eye contact with the stranger. He and Alex made small talk, turns out the guy is a university professor. After about twenty minutes, the man got up, saying that he really ought to be leaving. As soon as he left, i relaxed, the muscles in my back aching from being so tense. Alex put his hand across the table to hold mine. "You okay?" He asked. I didn't say anything but gave him a meaningful look, trying to communicate some of my inner turmoil. "Do you want to go?" He asked. I nodded, both of us were done with our salads anyway.

We stepped out of the restaurant into the cool air. Alex just put an arm around me, not asking me to explain what was happening in my head. I was grateful for this, as having to describe my anxiety would likely have pushed me to tears. As we walked back to our car, past all the people my brain told me were out to get me, Alex whispered to me, "You're safe with me. Just breathe."

When we finally reached the car, we sat in silence for several minutes in the parking lot. Eventually I turned to him, "I'm sorry- I should put you through this. I really-" He cut me off, "No. Don't ever think I don't want to guide you through this. I'll be there to help you push away the dark no matter what. You're not 'putting me through this'. I love you and I'm going to be here for you." He paused. "No matter what." I was at a loss for words. "How about we go home and watch a movie," he said, starting the car. I smiled. "Sounds good."

Thanks for reading!! This story is really personal for me so I hope you like it!!
Thanks,

~Cather