late night thoughts

Tonight

Tonight. Tonight, I can't sleep because I know I won't see you tomorrow. That even though you said you're doing nothing this weekend that that really won't stop someone or something from getting in the way. I'll end up being alone, doing nothing, and losing my goddamn mind because not even you will communicate with me. Even with the many times I've told you how insane I get when I'm alone, you still continue to not talk to me. I know sometimes you're busy and that's understandable, but when you aren't, it's not. Especially on the weekends when you clearly know I do nothing and will be ripping up old papers and destroy my own house just from thinking. What I love is how you've been talking to me lately, but what I hate is the only reason you are is because you just now figured out how insane it's making me when you don't, when no one does.
Tonight I will stay up because I'm worried that in less than four days you may leave me for good. I don't ever want to lose the best person to ever walk into my life, other than my three close friends. But it's driving me crazy thinking you will. I know you won't just walk out of my life because you promised you wouldn't and you keep your promises, but who's not to say you will? People lie. People sugarcoat. Who's not to say that you didn't actually mean it? Exactly no one.
That's why tonight I will not sleep because my mind won't shut the hell up about things that aren't even true, things that I can't stop myself from thinking over and over again constantly; things that make me depressed, that make me want to rip my hair out of my own head until my scalp is pouring out with blood; things that make me drift away from the best person who ever walked into my life that I didn't even deserve. Yet somehow am lucky enough to even have him at all. To look up at him almost everyday and look into his loving, caring, warm brown eyes. To kiss him, even if we don't have enough time to. To cuddle, talk, love, and be with someone so caring and loving and understanding and just UGHH, how the fuck did I get so lucky?! I really don't deserve all of this! I'm undeserving of all of this love and support! All through my childhood people treated me as if I wasn't normal, like I didn't belong here at all, and now I have all these people who are so understanding, treat me like family, care for me, and most of all they make me feel wanted and loved. I've never felt that from people other than my own flesh and blood.
So tonight I will not sleep because I know I'm undeserving of this life of mine, I know I'm not going to see nor talk to you tomorrow; I know you're going to leave me along with everyone else because, no, I don't deserve any of these people. I treat them the exact same but I don't deserve any of these people. I'm such a terrible person, it's undescribable. I don't deserve this house with a nice family that I treat like shit because I'm depressed. I don't deserve any of this shit. I don't deserve to live. And that that is why I will not sleep tonight.