The Wrong Nerd In Space

ACT 1 SCENE 2

(strange noiced can be heard from the boiling room)

ANDY
(sings like a classic singer)

  Oh, what a shame! What a shame!
  How can Andrea Santorini, daughter of the great great Ricardo Santorini, boss of 19 mafias, and Ersilia Santorini, a great woman and a great Hercules, is trapped here to deal with the misery of those poor unfortunate souls!
 Oh, Universe, tell me, you beautiful extraterrestrial Universe, why are you doing this to me?

SAM
(slaps Andy by the head)
   Have ever the great mafia boss taught you how to shut up?

ANDY
   Hmmm, I guess not

SAM
  No wonder you still have short temper

(drums in the background, auidence laughs)

ANDY
 (gasps)
  DID YOU JUST MAKE FUN OF MY HEIGHT?

SAM
  If you mean, ironically, to use your weakness just so I can destroy the ego you can't even have, but you pretend to have, then - well, take a guess.

ANDY
 (grabs the screwdriver)
  THAT'S IT! NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL BUT ME!

SAM
 (rolls eyes)

  If you mean breaking the fourth wall means to have bigger ego, brain and high brain capacity than Alber Einstein, which brain capacity you can't have and you can't compare to this great man, then good for you.

(audience starts laughing harder)

ANDY

(slaps Sam by the head)
   IN THE NAME OF MAMA UNIVERSE, I WILL PUNISH YOU!

SAM
(stands up from the floor and franticlally waves hands)
  I THOUGHT YOU CAN'T STAND ANIME!

ANDY
  IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR MAKING ME LIKING SAILOR MOON! AND THIS WILL BE THE ONLY JAPANESE THING I WILL LIKE! ITALIAN AND AMERICAN CARTOON FOREVER, MATE!
 (throws a lightbulb at Sam)

SAM
(ducks down and gets up again)

  YOUR EGO CAN'T BE COMPARED TO THE POWER OF MY PURITY, YOUR SO CALLED FAKE EXCELLENCY!
(throws a razor at Andy)

ANDY

(ducks down and gets up)
   OH WELL, MISTER I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE GOT HERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SO CALLED BEAUTIFUL COSMOS, AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU, SO CALLED FAKE PRESIDENT OF THE STATE I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, THAT YOU HAD THE SO BRILLIANT DESICION TO CHECK WHAT IN THE NAME OF GALAXT M51 WOULD HAPPEN IF WE JUST SNEAKED IN JUUUUST FOR 5 MINUTES! HA HA! WELL, YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA BE PRESIDENT NOW OF THE STATE I AM ALWAYS RIGHT! I WILL BE!

SAM
  Excuse me!

(gasps ironically)

ANDY
 YOU HEARD THE MAN

SAM
   The man??
(raises an eyebrow)

ANDY
(points at herself proudly)   

   I AM THE MAN!!!

SAM
(rubs his head)
   You can't be a lesbian and your opposite gender at the same time...

ANDY
  WATCH ME, BITCH!

AUDIENCE
(gaps and starts singing)
   HE IS COMING, HE IS COMING, HE IS COMING, HE IS COMING!

SAM
   Ahhh, shit....

ANDY

  It's because of you!
(looks at Sam)

SAM
  Yeah, ri-

(the door of the boiling room opens)

ALIEN 1
   What on Saggitarius is going on here?!