Waiting

Chapter 15

She is so confusing, I'm not sure if she actually wants me or if she truly wants this other girl.. I think this other girl is the reason she continues to leave and then come back.. I'm not sure if it's because of me that she comes back or if it is because of the way Lani is.. The way she treats Lukas is terrible.. I've seen the messages and the fights. 

I took her phone last night.. I just wanted to see if I was right, and I was.. They've been flirting back and fourth, on and off since their break up a little over a month ago, I thought something like this would happen.. It was just to good to be true. Lukas really loved this girl from what I can tell, but sometimes I just wish she could feel the same for me.. (The person that has always been here, even through the things that hurt me the most.) As she does for her.. Sometimes I want to wake up to a sweet texting from a beautiful girl that I'd call my girlfriend. Sometimes I just want to let her go too.. Sometimes I don't know if she will ever leave Lani completely.. Sometimes it's so hard to stand beside of her with a smile on my face when I know she could never be completely mine..

But I'm selfish.. I want Lukas to be completely mine, I want her all to myself.. I do not want to share, and definitely not with.. her. Ya know, I thought she was mine at one point, I thought I had her and she had me.. I put up with all the girls that tried to get with her, or to get me away from her no matter how hard it was to do so, I did. I did it for her, I wanted to make her happy.. Hell, I still want to make her happy.. But I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't seem to do so.. It's Almost like I can't do anything she doesn't like but she can do anything I don't like.. It's like we fight over nothing all of the time but at the end of the fight I don't want to run away and hide.. I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright.. For her to tell me that she loves me and means it..  I want her to tell me that she loves me and I know that it's only me that she loves.. That I am the only one she thinks of when she hears the word happiness.. Because she is the only person I love.. She is the only person that comes to my mind when I hear the word happiness.. She is my everything, but am I not hers? I sit day by day and hope that today is the day that I will no longer have to wonder if she will ever truly be mine.. I sit everyday and hope that she will realize how much I love her.. I hope that one day she will understand how many times I cry because I feel like I'm not good enough. That I cant be the one she wants, that I can't change to become someone like Lani.. I doubt myself everyday because of how beautiful Lani is.. And I can't help but wonder.. Why me? I can't compare to her and that's what scares me the most.. I can't compare to what they used to have.. I can't compare to the memories that the two shared together.. I can't compare to everything that was great with them.. Because im fighting a battle to get her away from Lani, I am fighting a battle for my heart and it is not only tearing me down piece by piece.. But it's taking away everything in me.. I can feel this pit of despair Becoming more cozy by the heart break. I can feel myself starting to lose that smile and laugh that used to never leave me face.. I can feel myself hurting more and more every time I think about My Lukas going back to Lani.. I'm not her, and I can't be her.. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't seem to please her the way Lani can.. 

Lukas is playing with my heart, she is breaking me more and more each day.. And I'm letting her, I can't help it.. I've fallen so deeply for this girl that I feel like I have to try every single thing to keep her.. Everything to make her happy.. But I'm running out of ways.. I'm trying anything and everything to try and get her to love me the way that I love her.. I'm trying so hard.. Sometimes I don't know if leaving for good will help more than if I try to stay and fight for a love that will never happen..  

We can be so amazing one day, and at each others throats the next. I try so hard for this girl and there are times when I wonder if I am the only one trying. Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it, all the heartbreak. Sometimes I wonder if it will actually work out, or just continue to crumble and fall once we get a good start. Sometimes I wonder if she will actually drop her for good. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.. Sometimes I wonder why I wake up in the mornings and try to be happy, Sometimes I wonder what it's like to actually be okay. 

Today has been awful, and learning that I may lose her to the girl that broke her.. Well, that just makes it worse.. Everyday I see her, and everyday I wish for her to be mine.. But, My life is nothing but a story of heart break and a poem of failure. My life can only get better because the best thing that was in my life.. Was her, she was my happiness, my emotion, and my sanity. I lost her, but did she really lose me..?

 "...But the void within my heart refused, even thus, to be filled. I longed for the love which had before filled it to overflowing. At length the valley pained me through its memories of Eleonora, and I left it for ever for the vanities and the turbulent triumphs of the world."  - Edgar Allan Poe