Long Term (Serious) Relationship Goals

Love At First Sight

Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D.

Is Love at First Sight Possible?
Love at first sight is more than sexual attraction

Posted Nov 17, 2013

"This is going to sound crazy, but... from the moment I first set eyes on you I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." Leigh Fallon, Carrier of the Mark

There are many reports about love at first sight. Thus, Carla Bruni said that it was love at first sight between her and the former French President Nicolas Sarkozy. She said that what happened "between Nicolas and me was not quick, it was instant. So for us, [the wedding] was actually very slow."

Similarly, a woman said about her lover, "I loved him at first sight. And the very first time in my life I ever felt passionately was the moment I saw him. It was a feeling so loving, so tender, so wild, so overwhelming and breath-taking, and all-involving, a feeling I did not know before."

Love at first sight is not easy to explain. Some people even deny that it is possible claiming it is merely sexual attraction. Indeed, how can we fall profoundly in love after one quick glance? How can such a glance make us believe that we want to spend the rest of our life in the arms of a stranger we have just seen for the first time?

Arguments against love at first sight

"If you believe in love at first sight, you will never stop looking." Closer (2004; directed by Mike Nichols)

Arguments against the possibility of love at first sight are usually based on two main reasons. The first is an epistemic reason that claims that as the agent does not have sufficient knowledge about the person's characteristics in order to fall in love, her response is merely imaginary wishful thinking and not a real emotion. The second reason is existential. It refers to the fact that as the agent does not have the time to exercise the activities typical of love, her emotional response cannot be that of romantic love.

The first argument implies that romantic love consists not merely of attraction to external appearance, which is the basis of sexual desire, but also of knowing the agent's character traits, such as kindness, honesty, wisdom and a sense of humor. Such knowledge cannot be present at first sight, as it requires familiarity and common history.

The fundamental mistake in this argument is the assumption that we cannot attribute to a person characteristics that are not seen at the moment. This assumption is incorrect since we often spontaneously attribute such characteristics, by using certain stereotypical evaluations. This is, for example, what underlies the "attractiveness halo," in which what is beautiful is evaluated as also good. Accordingly, attractive people are more likely to be the object of love at first sight.

It is as if these people begin the struggle to be loved with the initial obstacle already behind them. In love at first sight, the high value accorded to the other's external appearance is projected onto her internal characteristics. Love at first sight can often mislead since it is based more on imagination than on sight; however, it can still be love, and is often very intense.

The second argument against love at first sight refers to the fact that love does not merely consist of feelings; rather, it essentially involves activities, and these cannot be exercised at first sight. In this regard, we may distinguish between action readiness and behavioral manifestation. Action readiness, rather than actual behavior, underlies emotions.

There are many instances of action readiness that are not translated into actual behavior because of moral considerations, actual cost, or other practical and normative concerns. Thus, someone who is suffering from total paralysis may be in love, although his love is unaccompanied by any muscular activity. In such cases, action readiness is also present.