Paper Bride ✔️ (Book 4 - DP Series - COMPLETE)

31. Grateful

I stare out the windshield, my body still as my heart slows to a near stop inside my chest. I don't blink, I don't respond, I just stare. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I hear my dad's voice as he says my name in the receiver, but I barely even notice. My mind has evacuated my body. Suddenly the only thing I can see is my mother laying bloody in the twisted metal of her convertible. It's like my mind has to create its own visual of what happened, and the images flashing in my head are ghastly.

I can't.

I just can't.

Suddenly my chest is concaving as staggering waves of horror crash into me. I'm pulling in deep breathes as my body competes to gulp in oxygen at the same rate that I'm releasing my devastation. It's no competition. My lungs can't keep up. I'm gasping, sobs muffled behind my trembling fingers as I cup them around my cries of anguish.

I've dropped my phone somewhere, and a moment later I'm alerted to a voice to my left. I think it's Seth's voice, but I don't care if he's talking to me; I can't respond. My mind is swirling and surging with only one fact:

My mother is dead.

The woman that I love more than my own life. The woman who understands me like no one else ever could. The woman who graciously gives up so much of herself just to spend a moment encouraging me or participating in senseless activities with me.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye. She was supposed to be invincible. She's supposed to carry me when I'm weak. She's supposed to give me advice when I'm lost. She's supposed to love me when nobody else does. She's supposed to be here offering me her strength, her courage, her wisdom.

I can't continue on without her. How am I supposed to go on now? Who else will drop everything just for a moment of sporadic fun? Who will give up their entire day just to go on a foolish road trip with me?

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't...

I'm just about to tell Seth to pull over, but he's already done so. We're suddenly parked on the edge of the abandoned country roads and I have no idea how we got here. My whole body is shaking. My heart seems to be pumping horror into my veins and I can't get myself under control.

With fumbling fingers, I yank my door open and stumble out. I drop to the ground, my stomach heaving up all the breakfast I just enjoyed. I don't know what it's trying to do, but I feel like my own guts are trying to kill me. I need to purge my body of these emotions. I need to not feel this horrible aching pain in my chest anymore. So, without any control over my actions, I vomit again.

I'm choking and crying as I sit crouched along the side of the road, my eyes unable to fully comprehend my surroundings. Everything outside of my body is gone. The only thing that I can hear, see, or feel is now pumping a beat of chaotic grief into my bloodstream.

Once there's nothing left in me to empty, I lean back on the balls of my feet, my stinging eyes slowly lifting to find Seth rounding the hood of the truck. He doesn't have to say anything; I can see the horror written clearly on his face. Somehow we're communicating without words, and in the same instant that I push myself into standing, he's coming forward and wrapping me in his arms.

I can feel his body shuddering along with mine as a sorrow from somewhere deep inside of me unravels. This is real. All of this is really happening.

It's then I realize that we're wasting time. My dad is alone right now, suffering in solitude. With a near sense of panic, I'm bolting from Seth's arms and scrabbling to get into the truck.

"We have to get home," I say with urgency, though my words are thick with emotion that has yet to be released.

I already know the ride home will be hell. We've got over two hours and I don't know if I'll survive the ride. I feel helpless. I need to do something. There has to be something that I can do. And yet, there's nothing. So, I just hide my face against my window as misery pours from my eyes in constant streams. My mouth feels swollen and raw, and I bite down on my bottom lip, tasting the salt from my tears as I do so.