Secrets to Keep (Phan)

Chapter 9

The closer bits of the grey scenery flew by me in a blur, while the farthest views passed slowly from the other side of the train window. Dan's hair tickled my neck every time the car rocked the slightest bit, as soft snores were being emitted from his nose. He had fallen asleep the minute he laid his head on my shoulder, and had been that way for about half an hour. I had tried to sleep as well, since I still had a little less than two hours of waiting, but the simple task might as well have been impossible.

I was just too excited, I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I knew that if I slept then I could just wake up and we'd be there, like a one-way time machine, but my mind was alight with thoughts. Despite the lack of sleep that I had received the night before, I felt wide awake. Not necessarily energized and well rested, but more like I had a really bad case of the jitters.

Across the aisle, a middle-aged woman knitted what looked like a scarf, the clicking of the needles being heard easily over the nearly silent passengers. Occasionally I would catch her staring in our direction, and when our eyes met a warm smile would spread across her face.

It was an un-vocal understanding.

She would wordlessly let me know that she wasn't a prick, and I silently appreciated it. It was nice, making friendly eye-contact with complete strangers. I would probably never see this knitting woman ever again in my life, I didn't know her, nor her me, but that didn't stop her from being a decent human being. So much could be said with a simple smile between two people.

I plugged in one headphone, and watched the landscape disappear behind the fast moving train, my thoughts often wandering to the sleeping boy on my shoulder. Our age difference didn't really bother me as much as it used to, although I often thought about it. I guess the only thing that kept it not as weird was that in a few years it wouldn't really matter. I was pretty positive I loved Dan, and that was all that mattered at the moment, besides keeping him safe and happy.

That was how I was sure that I loved him. During the fire, he was my only thought; keeping the smoke out of his lungs, keeping him from getting burnt. My own safety was far from my main priority. Of course it was dumb to think that maybe he loved me too, we had barely been together a week, a shitty week at that, spending most of our time in the basement of a druglord's supply-house, but that was okay, I would never make him say something he didn't mean.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but before long, Dan was stirring himself awake on my shoulder. I watched as his eyes, the colour of coffee with light shining through it, fluttered open, and he let out a tiny yawn. I was brought back to the first time we had woken up together, in the basement room that seemed worlds away. 

"Good morning beautiful." I murmered softly, kissing the top of his head before he removed it from my shoulder. Dan's cheeks turned pink at the compliment, but he otherwise smiled at me. His eyes were still droopy with sleep, his hair ruffled slightly, and he stretched as much as the chair he sat in would allow. He really was beautiful.

"Good morning." he replied sleepily. His bruises were faded into the golden skin on his face, only noticeable if you looked really closely, and his scabbed lip was slowly disappearing as well. Overall, Dan's injuries were healing nicely, aside from his rib which he would complain about every now and then and prevented him from sleeping as comfortably as he would like. Just thinking about what Wessley did to him made the familiar sensation of anger bubbling in my stomach return, but I tried my best to just push it aside, and instead think about happier things. "How much longer?" Dan asked with another yawn.

"Bout thirty minutes." I replied after checking my phone, causing Dan to nod affirmitively. "You alright?" I asked, noticing the distant look on his face.

"I'm fine... It's just weird y'know? How quickly I agreed to just pick up what little life I have and move it someplace else." he answered, still maintaining his gaze on his for once still hands. I normally couldn't help but notice Dan's nervous tapping habbit, and at times like these he was usually uncontrolably fidgety, always drumming his fingers against any surface that would make a noise, but not now. Now his hands were sat unmoving in his lap, not even twitching.

He looked so small, so young at times like these. I wanted to hug him, but there was something else with the way that he was so deep in thought that told me not to.

"I mean hell, I barely even know you." he muttered. I almost argued against him, until I realized he was right. Here I was moving to London with someone who knew absolutely nothing about me.

"Tell me who you were before I met you... before they met you." Dan mumbled, looking up at me with those eyes that danced like melted chocolate being stirred. I looked down at my lap, shaking my head slightly, I didn't like talking about it, but that was unfair to Dan to have to trust a stranger with his life.

"When I was born I was thrown into fostercare... teenage mom. I didn't get out until I was almost eight, and kind of moved around a lot, but I spent a big part of my childhood in Rossendale. Umm, my middle name is Michael, and ever since I can remember I've had this weird need to be a weather man. I really like animals, especially lions, and I suck at anything artistic, although photography was something I was considering getting into in high-school." I could feel my cheeks turning pink, but Dan motioned for me to go on, so I did.

"I try not to think about it too often, but the universe really scares me, like I mean, it's huge and could just swallow the planet at any point... and I don't know space is just fucking weird. I used to get teased a lot for being a ginger, so I died my hair black after one of my moves. I wear contacts, and without them I'm pretty blind. Lately I've been wearing the ones you can sleep in and now that I think about it I need to change these ones." I thought out loud, pointing to my eyes a bit.

"I have a habit of going on fourteen hour long Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons, and to be honest I probably need some help." I joked, making Dan smile even wider as he gazed at me with interest, making me feel a little bubbly from the attention.

"I could live off of breakfast cereal, and I know this is weird but I prefer instant coffee to beans... I guess it's just because I'm lazy." I added, shrugging off the last part. "And..." I stopped, looking up at Dan who hadn't lost the look of interest on his face.

I wanted to say it.

And it was stupid that I wanted to, but this boy had had some sort of effect on me this past week.

But I mean was there really a way to say it that wouldn't freak him out?
I think I might love you.
I want to cuddle up on the couch with you and listen to music and dance in our pyjamas even though we obviously can't dance. I want to have long meaningless conversations with you in the middle of the night about everything and nothing at all. I want to sit down at some bookstore cafe with you and just talk while we're surrounded by the sweet smell of newly printed books and coffee.

"And what?" Dan asked, making me finally break our gaze that was probably freaking him out a bit.

"Nothing." I replied, looking down at my lap to try and not give anything away.

"Tell me." he whined a little, shoving my shoulder in a playful manner. "Please?" he added, and even though I wasn't looking at him I could hear the pout in his voice.

"I have this little stuffed lion that was kind of like a going away present from my mom I guess... I slept with it until I was 14, but I still have it, and it always has its own little place in my room." I replied quietly. It wasn't a lie, it just wasn't exactly what I had wanted to tell him.

"Is that it? God you were acting like you were about to tell me you have a third nipple or something." Dan joked, making me chuckle a bit before looking up at him. I gave him a swift peck on the lips, probably just to assure myself that this was all 100% real, before looking at him with a smile.

"We should probably get ready, we'll be there soon." I said softly, beginning to wrap up my headphones and stuff them into my pocket. Meanwhile our new life awaited us in the unfamiliar city that the train was beginning to approach, it was scary sure, but nothing compared to the last one.