Secrets to Keep (Phan)

Chapter 24

"Are you sure?" I questioned as Dan's stare remained glued to his hands, which couldn't seem to stay still.

"Yeah, I mean, I think you deserve a bit of an explanation." he shrugged, taking deep breaths afterward as if to ready himself, preparing for the memories that he obviously didn't want to think about. "He's been that way for... as long as I can remember honestly," Dan spoke slowly and carefully, as if each individual word had the sole intention of shoving him off a cliff. I reached for one of his fidgetting hands and grasped it in mine, giving it a reassurring squeeze. Another deep breath. "They tried to shield me from it at first, since I was the youngest, but I think it literally just got too exhausting for them." He explained.

After a few moments of mental preparation, Dan continued. "There was a pretty big age gap between Clary and I, almost eight years actually, so growing up I had always really looked up to her. Of course during our younger years she absolutely hated me, and only later did I realize that it was because he didn't treat me the way he treated them." Dan paused, "I don't blame her though, I would've hated me too if I were in her shoes." He seemed calmer and more collected, though still wary of the subject he was diving into. By then I had already managed to piece together the fact that Clary was probably his sister.

"Somewhere along the road though- god knows why- she started to actually treat me like a brother. She'd buy me an ice-lolly every Wednesday from the truck, and in return I'd let her play my Nintendo while he was out, as she wasn't allowed to even touch it otherwise." A small grin crept onto Dan's face at the memory, "And fuck, Phil she didn't do it often, but every time I saw her smile I counted it as an achievement... I hated seeing what he did to her, to the both of them." I listened carefully to Dan's words as they fell from his lips like glass vases from a shelf, and he tried his hardest to step around the sharpest pieces; a dance that was appearing to be emotionally exhausting.

"As I grew older I found out that there had been pregnancies between Clary and I, three of them, all miscarried, in which he was trying to have a boy. I always kind of figured that that was why he preferred me to them, why I was never touched while with Clary he couldn't keep his grubby fists to himself." Dan spat out the last few words, and I was able to sense the anger pooling out with the tears that sat balanced on his lids, threatening to spill over at any moment. Using my thumb, I rubbed little circles into the skin of his clenched fist, and wrapped my other arm around his waist to offer comfort. Though he didn't take his eyes off of the spot they'd focused on on the ground, he leaned into my touch.

"When she was somewhere around fifteen, Clary met this guy from school, Greyson. And I mean, obviously I didn't really understand healthy relationships at the time, but I could tell that he really made her happy. He'd started walking with us when she'd pick me up from school, and they'd hold hands and laugh. It was on those afternoons that I saw her really truly smile, Phil. She had found someone who treated her the way she deserved to be treated, and I was so glad." A tiny sniffle escaped as Dan paused, and took a deep shaky breath. Something deep in my gut told me that this was merely the calm before the storm.

"It was a couple days after my tenth birthday that Clary sat me down up in my room, saying she had something important to tell me. It was late, probably sometime after midnight since he had already passed out on the couch after the screaming fest he'd had." Dan murmured. His voice was even softer now, and I could almost hear the tears he was fighting to choke back as he spoke. "At first she talked to me  about school, and how she'd worked really hard to graduate early. Of course I knew about all of this, I was just too busy wondering why she was dressed like she was going out at such a late hour, or why she'd tried so hard to hide her packed bags. I remember the look on her face when it finally clicked in my dimwitted little mind that she was leaving us, how I cried and she promised she'd come back for me when she was eighteen. She hugged me, and eventually I gathered up the courage to walk with her down to the front door."