RAISON D'ÊTRE ( bucky barnes ) 一 under editing

THIRTY-SIXTH

RAISON D'ÊTRE
THIRTY-SIXTH

"WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN to your friends?" Bucky asked, voice quieter than usual as he spoke. His eyes were trained out the window, but he wasn't interested in watching the scenery. He didn't want to make small talk with Steve or catch up on old times, or spend it napping like Rome. What happened back at the airport was sticking in his head, about how Steve's friends had sacrificed themselves for someone like him. Why was he so special? All he's done is murder a few dozen people, all because they stood in HYDRA's way.

Steve, who sat in the pilot's seat with both hands planted firmly on the wheel, sat behind him. He pressed his lips together, exhaling quietly. "Whatever it is," he said, "I'll deal with it."

Bucky looked down at his lap, and he flexed his fingers slowly. "I don't know if I'm worth all this, Steve," he said dejectedly. He's not worth it, he knows that. Bucky's killed and slaughtered and betrayed as easy as breathing, been spun and toyed with by HYDRA for decades, and he'd been too weak to fight back. Why were Steve's friends giving him another chance, one that he knew he was just going to ruin? Him hiding away with Rome, it had been the best time of his life, and yet they lived in a constant cycle of fear and unease. There were days where the fear of being caught had gotten to them so badly, they didn't leave their apartment for days. Being with Rome, it'd been so lovely and beautiful, but Bucky knew he didn't deserve that. He was an awful person, a disgusting waste of trash that they shouldn't have helped. So why? Why help me, knowing what he's done? He didn't deserve their help, he's not worth it.

"What you did all those years..." Steve started, turning to look at Bucky out of the corner of his eye, "it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice."

"I know." Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. "But I did it."

A thick and heavy silence enveloped them, one that Bucky hated but was content with sitting in for a while. He didn't know what to say to Steve, to the man who'd once been that scrawny kid running down the streets of Brooklyn at his side. They'd known each other for years and yet everything was different 一 they were different.

It wasn't until Steve spoke, a clearing of his throat and his soft words did Bucky snap back to reality. "Tell me about her," he started, and when Bucky gave him a slight look of confusion, Steve continued. "Rome." The blond had hoped that this would get his friend's mind off what happened, about the fight and about heading to Siberia to find that sick bastard.

The brunet bit his lip, slowly turning to look at Rome. The witch had quickly settled into the seats once they were up in the air, and nearly passed out the moment her head hit the cushion. She wasn't like Steve or Bucky, she wasn't as enhanced as them. The worst part about being a witch is that you were still basically human 一 you could die just as easily as any other human, get sick like them, hurt like them, get exhausted like them. The exhaustion had just crept up on Rome, taking her completely as she fell asleep. And she'd been worried for Ianna since her tribrid cousin ran back into the fight with a smirk on her lips. Rome knew her cousin could take care of herself, that much she was certain, but she hadn't known what to expect in the aftermath of the fight.

Bucky grinned when he saw Rome curling around her coat, hand held over her stomach as she napped. "She's... sweet," he started, still smiling. He looked forward. "When we first met, she was only there to fulfill HYDRA's orders to help me. But over time, it grew to be so much more than that. She helped me, Steve. She helped me be myself again and I'll forever be grateful to her." He let out a pained sigh. "And Rome, she's still trying to help me. I keep telling her to stop because it's hopeless, I'm too broken, but I know that won't stop her." Bucky leaned back in his seat, eyes toward the ceiling. "She's so brave that it would put most people to shame. We were both robbed of life, and she intends to live her life to the fullest. She sees everything differently."

"You love her." It was more a statement than a question, and Steve's heart warmed when he saw Bucky smile and face turn red.

"I do." He nodded. "After we left D.C., we went to New Orleans; that's when I realized I loved her. I do love her. Because... because she's so different from any other girl I've met... at least, I hope she is." Bucky chuckled softly at his own jest, and Steve couldn't help but do it as well. "Rome sees the world differently than what it really is 一 it's a war zone, but she manages to find beautiful things in its darkness. She looked at me and saw that I had so much potential for good, that I could be more than just the Winter Soldier."

He stopped talking, jaw tensed as a sudden thought shot through his head. Bucky had been thinking it for a while, but he'd always been afraid to voice his opinion. He wanted so desperately to be with Rome, to make whatever their relationship was last, but he'd always been so afraid that it would end with a snap.

Steve noticed his friend go silent, and he looked back at him. He saw the way Bucky's face twisted with fear and he called his name. "Buck?" Steve said softly, causing his best friend to turn to him. "You okay?"

"I want to protect her," Bucky started slowly, gulping quietly to himself. "She deserves so much more than what life's handed her." He clenched one of his fists tightly and he shook as he released the tension. "I want to give her a better life than this. I want to be able to walk into town with her on my arm, without the fear of being taken away from her. Hell, I want to be able to take her to a carnival without people causing mass hysteria that the Winter Soldier is standing in line for the Ferris Wheel." He gave a bitter laugh. "Steve, I want to marry her."

Steve's eyes widened with surprise and he looked back at Bucky once again. Back when they were younger, Bucky had always been a sort of player 一 dating girls left and right, flirting and charming women with that dazzling smile and blue eyes of his 一 and Steve was never sure if any of them would stay. He'd never been sure if Bucky would find the one; his friend loved too easily and hurt too much. But when he saw that determined glint in his eyes, the one Steve had seen a million times as children, Steve knew. "You sure, Buck? You really think she's the one?"

Bucky hummed. "I know she is."

∞ ∞ ∞

It had been some point in their conversation that Rome had started to wake up, but she'd been jolted from sleep when she heard the words slip past Bucky's lips. She'd made sure to keep her eyes shut and breathing even, but there was no stopping the grin that formed on her face or the blush that spread to her ears and neck. Each time he listed something about her he loved, she'd do the same, and her blush would turn darker. Rome adored his eyes, how they shimmered like the ocean; it'd been years since she saw the ocean, but Bucky's eyes would suffice. She loved that even when he was in the middle of a mission, he'd always remember her, always think about her enough to bring something back. She'd fallen for his gentleness, of how he knew exactly how strong she was and yet still treated her like the most delicate thing in the world. And he never tried to change her, he'd accepted her flaws were a part of her and loved her for it.

She'd loved a few times within her life, but never as deeply as she loved Bucky. Back then, Rome's relationships were more like little flings here and there, just enough to make her feel happy and loved for a short time. What they had, she supposed she could call it a once in a lifetime kind of love, but she'd laugh at her own joke. But what she and Bucky had was real, and for that, she was happy.