outside in

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I deleted pictures of myselfOne after anotherMental and physicalThe ones where I wasn't wearing makeupWhen my cheeks were too redMy acne too severeWhen my hair was greasyOr when it wasn't right

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I deleted pictures of myself
One after another
Mental and physical
The ones where I wasn't wearing makeup
When my cheeks were too red
My acne too severe
When my hair was greasy
Or when it wasn't right

I could stare at myself in the mirror
for hours on end
Picking out the little imperfections
Someone once said that flaws
are what makes us flawless
But it's hard to love yourself when you can't capture yourself the way you want to

I cut my hair today
Strand by strand
Inch by inch
It was like mowing bright green grass
Killing all the wild flowers
And the bees
And the spiders
All the living things that dwelled in the soil
Killing all of it in order for beauty
But you have to do it at some point, right?
An unkempt lawn is an unkempt life, they say

Even after the countless renovations to myself
I still look at myself in every reflective surface I could find
Car windows
Rearview mirrors
Just windows and mirrors in general
Nitpicking and pinching
Focusing from one flaw to the next
Destroying myself from the outside in

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