Journal Entry's

April 6th,2017

Day 3,

I got here Tuesday, April 4th,2017. At night, during snack time. The day before my mom found out I was talking about inappropriate things with my best friends boyfriend. She was passed off and disappointed. She read all my texts. Went through the whole conversation. She was cooking when it happened. And while she did this, I took a pocket knife from my underwear drawer and started cutting. Four cuts. One for my mom, one for my dad, one for my best friend and one for myself. I felt like I had disappointed my parents once again and so without hesitation I took a knife against the flesh of my wrists. Around 10 pills following.

I could say and calculate, I started this when I was 12. After it was brought up  to me from my close friend, A. She wanted to cut herself. She was asking me for a knife, something sharp. I was worried, told my mom and we went to the school and reported it. I started cutting that summer. Slight cuts with a kitchen knife.

I made a lit of mistakes these past years. I talked to strangers over texts while I was in Dominican Republic. I sent and received pictures. I disappointed my parents. I cut. Not deep. No show. In 8th grade, I dated this guy. We had inappropriate conversations. My parents didn't know. They found out. They were disappointed. I cut. Not deep. No show. I started planning my funeral. I got accepted into Snyder. I was interested in the Art Program. My parents did not approve. I started feeling unsure. Cuts were continuous. Not deep. No show.

I planned to commit suicide so many times leading graduation. I was supposed to die on graduation day. So I could have been able to enjoy Fiesta, BBQ, Baseball Game, Exit Day, and Graduation. I was going to spend those last days with my friends. Happy in school. Although it wasn't going good at home, knowing that I didn't get accepted to a good high school and having my mom constantly bringing that up made me feel worse everyday we got closer to graduation. I wanted to walk home with my friends one last time. Then, I'd get off course and go in the Reservoir near my old school. I would jump off into the street. I had calculated everything. I knew that if the force of the concrete floor against the back of my head hadn't killed me, I would have lost my memory for sure, gotten a concussion or a coma. All outcomes were good for me. Cause I just wanted to run away from what I had then. Just like, I guess how I wanna do now. So anyway, I stopped cutting for a while. Than I started high school at METS. By February 13th, I had cut eight times against my flesh. I wasn't feeling good. My parents were once again disappointed. Cause I was dating this guy they didn't know about . It had been really bad for me. Not the guy. But all the drama. And then valentines was the next day. And everything was overwhelming.

I remember on Valentines day, H, the one who shall not be named, tried to give me a bag of M&M's. I don't know why, but I truly don't get him. He confuses me. But anyway, I started crying and refused the chocolates. I had cut myself the night before and I felt unworthy of receiving anything that day. In had shown him my wrists when he grew concerned. He immediately took my wrists in his hands and was asking me why I had done it. He had sat in the chair in front of mine and was soothing, trying to, while I just kept on crying. Everyone grew concerned and blamed him for my tears. Cause everyone always saw us two arguing and so they thought it was just another argument that ended really bad.

The last time I cut myself was Monday of this week. I won't lie or say that while my stay here I haven't wanted or itched to take an object against my skin, cause I have. I keep on imagining ways to kill myself. Every single object that surrounds me becomes a weapon. Something I can use to end this. I don't know how, but I've been able to manage.

Right now, we're in our rooms.  roommate is trying to sleep. The light is off except for the bathroom light , which is helping me write. I feel like stopping for tonight, for now. But I can't seem to . But I will and so goodnight.