Journal Entry's

Friday, June 23rd,2017

I am once again stuck in a mental unit in a hospital. My mom and I had a fight about something. I can't even remember. Probably about Said. Probably because she keeps saying that I'm losing everything for a boy that I can't even be with. Its dumb. I have this feeling about him that were gonna last. Like we actually might go further than I thought and think, but I'm thinking about the time we might be together as a couple. Not some other ways or intentions. I've had enough with H. He still kinda makes me feel bad. Like there is something on my chest that makes it hurt and I can't get out. I hate it. I just really wanna be with Said right now. The best thing would probably be to be with my family, but the thing is that all I'm going to is feel bad around them. They want me to talk and open up to them and stuff. But its hard to. Cause I don't want to open up to them. I don't feel comfortable and it makes me feel bad. Because they just keep pressuring and saying that my problems are nothing because they have bigger problems than me. And trust me, I know they do. But that doesn't mean my problems don't mea anything. That's why they are my problems and that's why I keep them to me and not tell them. I'm tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. That they do these things because they love me and they want the best for me but they don't even let me try. And if I fall. I'll learn. But I wish to atheist fall though I know it will hurt. I wish I could just be honest and say everything that is on my mind. But its so much that I know no one will understand. At least with Said, he wouldn't care about me having problems at home or at school. I mean he would care about something that's bothering me. But what I mean is  that he doesn't bring me down about it. He tries to cheer me up when sad or angry. He tries to keep me happy. Keel me smiling. Keep me laughing. And I know that he has aggression problems but not with me. He may have a problem with everyone else. But not me. I know he's a jealous guy, cause I've seen it. And I know that if anyone would bother me, he would want to beat that person up. I've seen it. But not seen him beat somebody up. I mean I've seen him how he gets when he sees someone that he knows bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. And, I like him. Not because he is cute. But because of the way he is. He's not like the other guys I've talked to. He doesn't talk dirty to me. He doesn't curse at me. He's always worried about me. His smile is cute. He's always making people laugh. He has something about him that just makes me feel comfortable. Probably his aura. Or just the way he is. And his anger, I have no problem against that. He can't stay mad at me for long. And it's different kinda mad with me. With others he glares at them and even starts insulting them or saying things and trying to provoke them to fight. But with me, it's like he's playing. He would get mad about something I did or say and it was just funny. Cause he would get mad and I would accept it cause I don't know that I did something wrong. And I would leave him alone and he would come back for me. And I can cheer him up when he gets upset. Like when he gets jealous. I can cheer him up. I can talk to him. It's not like problems can't be solved. And they will. Cause I can learn how to control myself. I can learn how to manage the way I take care of things. All I need is time. Time that I am not given. Time that they say they give me but don't. Its not like I could change from one day to the other just like that. These type of problems need time. Actual time. I need time set my mind straight. Time to sort my problems. Time to set my plan for my future. Time alone to think clearly. To set my next move. To calm my emotions. To get over my stress and anxiety. To get over my depression. But with people on me all the time, its hard to do so. Cause they keep rushing you and its hard to rush something that takes process to handle. I need to get to know myself. I need to know and understand what I'm feeling. To process my thoughts. But I don't even know the cause of my depression. Maybe I feel guilty for what happened between H and I and just can't get over it or let it out. Perhaps all that's bothering me is always being home with my mom. Maybe I need to get out. Have some activities. Do some sports. Some after s school groups. I'm definitely doing student council again. But perhaps I need something else. Something that I like more. I was in the anime club but my mom thought it wasn't going to get me nowhere so, I just had a group with my mom. There are some things I wanted to say when she talked to the doctor. Like how I'm not trying to act like I was older.  I'm just trying to get heard. To express myself. And the nay way I've been able to do so is showing my frustration. I never understood that what she meant was having Said come over as a friend to the house and let it progress from there. I thought I couldn't be with him at all. and something pained me. Cause all I really want is to have someone that would always be with me to make me forget about all my crazy doodles and have fun. Someone that will make me feel something other than pain. A joy that I can only have with that person. That when indeed him, butterflies fly in my stomach and my heart starts to beat faster. And that even though I try many times to contain my blush, it never seems to work. Just like how I feel with Said. A good type of feeling that I just can't have enough of. Perhaps I should try more to fix my relationship with my mom. Perhaps I should change my way of expressing. Try to stay calmer when we speak about things that trigger me. Perhaps speak out when I'm triggered. When I fell uncomfortable. Or when I feel like I might not take the conversation anymore. Perhaps I should find new ways to handle myself when I get triggered. I don't know how I am going to do these things I'm writing. Its easy to write what I feel. So easy to just talk about doing these things. But when it comes to doing, I can't. It becomes impossible. Its like the words leave my mind. I can't do anything. Everything that I had planned to say just disappears. I tend to start saying things that I didn't plan on saying. Things that I later regret. That I wish that a hole would open in the ground and swallow me up. I wish I could take back all the things I regret I said but I can't. Really wish Said was here with me. But not in the hospital, hospitalized. I don't want him to be in this place anymore. But perhaps visit me. So I can see him and be with him. I wanna hug and cuddle him all day and just talk about nonsense. Its annoying how I keep talking about him. Even though I dont know if we are still together cause we can't even talk. And my mom keeps telling me that he doesn't really care about me. So, I'm broken in half. I wanna tell him that we can be together but I don't wanna be too annoying and always the one calling him.