Journal Entry's

Sunday, June 25th,2017

I've been drawing so much it's getting boring. Its quiet time now. This is my 4th official day. Since I came here on Thursday at almost 12 o'clock at night. This is going to be boring cause its 2 hours of being in your room. I really miss the outside now. I would like to go to the park. I wish I had a bike. That way I could ride it all the way to that place where my sisters biological dad took me and his son. It was really fun. I guess at times he can be fun. Like when he used to come to our old house and he made some really tasty sandwiches. But after my mom got pregnant of my sister, he became a jack-butt. He's so immature for not taking responsibility for his actions. And now he owes a lot of money to the child support system and if he doesn't pay it, it's going to become a bigger amount little by little. If the police finds him, he'll get arrested and most probably deported back to DR. It's crazy how in this generation woe grown UPS dont tale responsibility for their actions. And it's dumb, cause then they be telling us to take responsibility for our actions. But really, we don't get much of an example. I wish I could beat my sister's biological dad up, just to knock some sense into him. To see if it works and makes him start picking up the broken pieces of his life. I wish I didn't do anything with H. I wish we never met. I wish we never talked to each other. I wish I was smart enough to have listened to those people that told me not to get close with him or fall for his games. I sometimes wish I could smack him or something. Or tell him how I feel like a hoe or and stop blaming myself for what happened. I wish I wasn't such a hoe and had become so desperate for some type of pleasure that I know wasn't allowed. That maybe I would t have dated Emanuel. Or let myself be so comfortable and open around boys. That I should have been more conservative about my life and my problems. That I would've listened to my mom's tips and warnings. That maybe, just maybe I would have been somehow different this year. To be worthy of myself. To not have let others tale over me. That I should have loved myself. And no try to please everyone around me. Just to fit in. Just because I feel afraid of being alone. Without friends. Without anyone to talk to. Having no one to make good memories with me. To maybe have had a better relationship with my mom. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should start talking to her. Tell her how I really feel and stop keeping it all Locke up  inside me. Cause who I can really trust are my parents. Cause they are there for me. To watch me grow and guide me in life through a path that is good for me. To protect me from the things I fear. To help me grow strong. And maybe I should start valuing myself more. And start enjoying life as it is. Living everyday to the fullest  like it were my last day. Perhaps start to learn to control my emotions. How to think before I act or say something. To tale notice of those whom really do care about mea and enjoy life as it is with them. Making good memories that will last forever. And maybe I shouldn't be with Said. Maybe I should wait to see if he calls me. And maybe then, when he does, I could be with him. We could start as friends and see what happens after that. I shouldn't try t rush myself to get a boyfriend. cause them I'll get even more heartbroken. My mom was right. I should take a rest from guys. I guess I'll do the six month rest so I can try to get to know myself more and learn to appreciate myself and the things I have. To maybe start trying to understand why I feel the way I do and why I do the things I do. Try to find a reason for my depression. But I think I found it. I've been trying so hard to please everyone around me thinking I would please myself. Thinking that by solving everyone else's problems, I would somehow fix my own. But I don't. And all thee problems keep accumulating in my head but they really don't exist. I've created all these problems in my head that now they have become real. And it has been hard to deal with them. They are like a humbling tower that is collapsing on top of me. And I realized, that I need help. That I actually need help. That I should talk my feelings and thoughts  to someone. But someone who would actually care and that I could trust. And that I know  I would get a good advice from. Like my mom, dad or Ashley. I never really opened up and said what I really feel to them. I would talk to Ashley about things. Things that didn't really matter. Cause I never really expressed how I rally actually felt or thought. Cause I feared being rejected or judged. Or probably lose their love and affection. Their trust and company. but now, I realized that I should let what I think and feel about. And its kinda funny how I needed to end up in a hospital in a mental unit to realize that. But I've learned that these things happen for a reason. And that God already knew that all this was going to happen. But he only let it happen cause I  needed it. I needed to hit rock bottom to finally realize what's going on. And all this was for a purpose a purpose in which I take part on but have no clue what this purpose is. But whatever that purpose is, I wanna be a part of. And I'm going to get back up from this abyss and let it be known that I am very valuable.  for God, for my parents, for those who love me and for myself. I know I can do everything that I set my mind to. And I know that and realized that there is always going to be some obstacle in my way but never an obstacle I cannot overcome. I feel adrenaline pumping through my blood. And I actually feel calm and happy somehow. Probably cause I feel like I'm ready to talk. Like I'm ready to let all of this out my chest. And I'm going to tell my mom that I want her to come tomorrow cause we need to talk. And I'm not going to let no nervousness get in the way. And I'm not going to fear the outcome of this. Cause whatever it is, I'm ready for it. And I'm going to show myself and the world what this 14 year old can do. And nothing and no one it's going to stop me. The devil cam throw a anything at me. But I'm ready for it. And the thing is I have God with me.