To Protect

5

It's been a couple months since my brothers found out about my anxiety and panic attacks, and if possible I've grown even quieter without even trying to. Daniel has become my quiet supporter, but even he has started to grow tired of my attitude.

We have an interview with a local radio station today, so Beau's been on my case about being natural and not messing anything up.

"- do you understand, Jai?" Beau had apparently been saying something to me but I hadn't been listening to him.

"What?" I ask much to Beau's annoyance. He started screaming gibberish and Luke started laughing at him while Daniel went to go calm him down.

"Sometimes, I just love how scatterbrained you can be!" Luke chuckled.

"Yeah." I shot him a fake smile. Since I had that panic attack that day I've been trying harder to act like I used to when it's just Luke and me around. I feel horrible for the way I acted. I basically acted like he was the one that needed to change when it was really me. I needed to be a better person, or quit being a selfish jerk as Beau puts it.

"If you're not feeling up to it, then you don't have to do this interview today." Luke acted nervous about his words.

"What? I'm fine, Luke. Of course, I'm going to this interview." I was confused at my twin's odd behavior.

"It's just that there's this hashtag trending on twitter right now..." he trailed off.

"What hashtag?" I'll admit I'm basically dead on my social media lately so I haven't really been paying much attention.

"#FixJai. Look don't worry about it. It's probably just some haters trying to give us bad publicity."

"Yeah. Bad publicity." I quickly agreed, but I was dying on the inside. The fans had started to notice that there was something wrong with me but my brothers still hadn't.

-

"So this question is for Jai!" One of our interviewers, I think her name was Jenna, announced happily. I had been zoned out for 90% of our interview so far, but the use of my name got my attention. "What do you think about the teens on twitter recently, #FixJai?"

"I..." I could practically feel Luke wanting to face palm next to me. "I don't really know anything about it. I've been kind of busy lately and haven't had a chance to really get on twitter much." Beau's jaw clenched at my answer and I could tell he didn't really want to focus on this question more than we had to.

"Oh." Jenna blushed. "Well basically a lot of your fans are declaring their support to you since you seem to be extremely depressed lately."

"Well, I'm perfectly fine and happy so there's absolutely nothing that anyone needs to worry about." I assured her, smiling brightly.

"Good to hear!" She replied in her bubbly voice before moving on.

-

I left the room and headed to the car as soon as I possibly could. The interview was tense after I answered Jenna's question, and I just knew that Beau was mad at me. Anymore, he's always getting mad at me and I'm just so tired of dealing with it.

"Jai, wait up!" I heard Daniel call from behind me. Great. Just what I needed.

"What is it, Daniel?" I asked, smiling. He gave me a skeptical look, but then shook it off.

"I'm just wondering if you are." I had no clue what he was talking about. I stared at him blankly.

"If I'm what? You'll have to elaborate a little there, Daniel. I don't quite know what you mean."

"Are you depressed, Jai? I mean it makes sense. A lot of sense actually. You barely talk anymore. You have panic attacks. You keep crying when you think no one can hear you. You've even been shutting Luke out lately, and he's practically your other half."

"No he's not. We're not as close as we used to be, and Luke doesn't even care about me anymore."

"Jai, you know that's not true." Daniel's eyes were sad and I quickly realized it was a mistake telling him anything.

"I know. I was just messing with you and it worked!" I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him. His eyes immediately went from sad to angry.

"That's just cruel, Jai. I knew you could be heartless, but this is a new low. Even for you." Daniel spat out at me. I quickly jumped into the car just as Luke and Beau made their way over to us.

"What's going on here?" Beau questioned, noticing Daniel's anger.

"Nothing important, right Daniel?" I cover for myself, knowing Daniel wouldn't disagree with me.

"Yeah. Jai was just being his usual self."

I started tapping anxiously on my knee as Beau started to drive back to the house. I feel like I'm ruining my entire life, but the bad thing is that I can't stop and I can only blame myself.

-

Later on, I was at the gym throwing all of my anger out onto a punching bag. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know that something needs to change.

"Jai?" I turn around to see Beau staring at me with a look of concern. Funny, since I made him hate me.

"Hey Beau." I greet and then return to taking my anger out on the punching bag.

"No, Jai. You've done enough. You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up for much longer. Working out is good and all, but know when to stop." Beau berated me, going into big- brother mode.

"I'm fine...Just need to go a little more." I argued.

"Jai listen to me. I dont know what to do anymore. You won't tell me what's wrong, so I can't fix it." Beau tried again.

"Nothing's wrong." I tried to convince him.

"We both know that's not true. You're isolating yourself, Jai. Even the fans are starting to notice. They're worried and so am I. Isolating yourself isn't exactly healthy."

"M'not isolating myself." This is Beau. He wouldn't notice something was wrong if it hit him in the face.

"Keep telling yourself that, Jai. Just realize I'm here when you finally come to your senses."

"Whatever." I blow him off and try to go back to what I was doing, but Beau stopped me again.

"You're going home right now, so don't even think about it. You're going to end up hurting yourself if you go much longer."

I didn't want to, but I decided to listen to him so there wasn't another argument.