To Protect

7

"Jai! Wake up. Jai!" I felt someone shaking me and groaned, turning over to find a face identical to my own.

"Luke! What do you want? I'm trying to sleep!" I groaned. Luke was always interrupting my sleep.

"I had a nightmare....can I sleep with you?" Luke whimpered. I silently rolled over so he would have space to lie down. I could never tell Luke no when he was distressed. In that way, I was still over-protective of him even though I've tried to change that lately.

Luke immediately crawled into my bed and cuddled up into me. He was shaking so bad that I was starting to become worried. Just how bad was his dream?

"Are you okay, Luke?" I asked, growing concerned.

"M'fine. I just had a nightmare. You hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. You even told me you didn't love me anymore." Luke whimpered. "It just hurt so much because it seemed so real. You've been really mad at me lately and I don't know what I did wrong. Plus, you just seem really sad and you won't tell me what's wrong. Is it something I did Jai? Please tell me so I can fix it."

"I just..." my voice hitched, "it's nothing. It's stupid and it doesn't really matter anymore."

"I'm sure it's not stupid. Plus, if it didn't matter, than it wouldn't affect you this much." Luke reasoned and I could feel my resolve breaking. Should I tell him?

"It's just...i feel like no one loves me. Or even cares about me. I feel like I care about you, Beau, and Daniel so much, but you guys practically hate me." I decided to come clean.

"What?" Luke sat up. "You've been feeling alone and unloved for months and we never noticed?"

"Yeah." I answer shortly, still not entirely sure if telling him was the best idea.

"Jai, look at me." Luke ordered. "You have to know that I love you. Beau loves you, even Daniel loves you. I don't know what happened to make you feel like that, but you're wrong about everything."

"I had a concussion and you didn't even notice or care enough to check on me." I felt tears start to brim at my eyes, "I care so much about you, Luke, and you get mad at me every time I try to see if you're okay. I feel like I can't even talk to you about anything because you'll get angry with me or ignore me."

"Jai," Luke snapped, "You can always talk to me, about anything. I have no idea why you thought otherwise."

"Do you remember Daniel laughing about the fact that I, so over-protective of you, but you couldn't care less about me? He was only joking but it made me realize some things. You don't care, Luke. I got a concussion that same day and you ended up slapping me because I thought you were drowning in the pool."

"Jai-"

"Just save it, Luke. You can sleep here if you want to, but just leave me alone. I can't deal with this right now." By the end of our small discussion we were both crying but Luke let me drop the conversation. Of course he did. There's a difference between loving someone out of obligation and actually caring about them.

-

"Hey Buddy." Beau smiled at me with sad eyes. I swear, does Luke tell him everything?

"Just get it over with, Beau." I sighed.

"You don't think I love you?" Beau asked carefully.

"Not really, but I'm okay with that now. It's not a big deal. I'll be able to cope some way." I was sick of playing games with my brothers. I'm fine with the way things are now. After I finally told Luke how I felt, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It made me realize that I was okay before, so I should be okay now.

"Jai. I love you so much. You're my baby brother and I just want you to be happy again." Again with the happiness! I'm sick of them trying to fix me. I'm fine the way I am now.

"Just because you say something, doesn't make it true." I've had enough and I'm sick of lying. They want me to let them in? Then I'll let them in full force.

"What am I supposed to say?" Beau asked, exasperated.

"You know what, Beau? I am depressed. I am." I chuckled darkly. "Im so depressed that I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm always making you angry with my attitude, but what did you say last time? Oh yeah! I'm nothing but a selfish jerk. I guess you're right, Beau. I am pretty selfish. I mean really who gets depressed over something as trivial as feeling unloved and alone and having no one to turn to when you're sick of life?" I was out of breath by the time my rant was over. Beau was about to say something back to me but then his eyes widened and glanced behind me.

"Luke..." Beau let out. Wow. He was talking to me, yet he's more concerned with Luke. I decided to turn around anyway and let my twin know I was aware of his presence, but I was shocked to see a look of utter horror plastered all over his face.

"Jai...you don't...you don't really mean all of that do you?" Luke asked, shocked at my outburst.

"I do. I'm sick of pretending that everything is perfectly fine. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay. I'm not okay at all and I can't keep doing this anymore!" I cried. Everything was just too intense and I could feel myself starting to panic again, but I forced it down. I needed to get this off my chest. "I feel like you two don't appreciate me at all. It's almost like I'm just here to make Luke look better since I'm such a failure most of the time."

"Jai, you need to calm down." Luke said slowly, like he was talking to a wild animal.

"No! You need to listen to me!" I screamed. "I'm sick of this. You never listen to me. You just ignore me and act like I'm a burden. I'm sorry I wasn't the brother you wanted, but I'm what you got!" I was going to scream some more, but I started hyperventilating before I could even try to. I can't breathe and they're just staring at me like they don't know me.

"Jai. Can you hear me?" I suddenly hear Luke ask me as he crouched down in front of me. That's funny, when did I get on the floor? "I need you to breathe for me, Jai-Jai. Okay? Do it like this." He started to rub my arms and show me how he wanted me to breathe. It took what felt like forever, but I was finally able to control my breathing again. I was kind of shaky and scared, but that was a whole lot better than not being able to breathe.

"Since when are you prone to panic attacks?" Beau randomly asked.

"Y-years. Usually l-lock myself in my room and deal with them alone." I manage to force out.

"How can you deal with them when you can't even breathe properly?" Beau asked annoyingly.

"J-just let myself pass out."

"Jai." Luke's voice broke and he started hugging me again. "I don't care how long it takes, but I'm going to show you that you aren't alone anymore. I love you and I care, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to help you!"