To Protect

8

I really want to cut right now, so I'm writing this instead!

I haven't left my room for two days. That was when I decided to open up to my brother's and tell them everything. It was a mistake because they did not react well and it resulted in me having a huge panic attack and Luke vowing to help me.

I don't really want Luke's help. It kind of feels like I'm forcing him. He never cared before, so why does he suddenly care so much now? I'm so confused and that frustrates me.

On top of that, I'm feeling more lost than ever. Luke once told me that he felt like he was losing his twin. Well, looks like he was right. I'm so sad right now that I don't know what else to do. I'm just laying on my bed, drowning out the world around me.

I never want to leave my room ever again, but at the same time I know that I'll have to eventually. It's just that my brothers know now. I never wanted that to happen. Why should I become even more of a burden than I already am?

Knock. Knock.

"Jai, are you going to stay locked in there forever?" I hear my Town's voice ring out after someone knocked twice on my door. I just buried my face in my knees, not able to form a response. I'm too upset right now and nothing can fix that.

"Jai, please! If you won't come out, at least let me in!" Luke tried again. I frowned. Should I? If I do he might leave me alone to wallow in my misery. I stood up and slowly unlocked the door before returning to lie on my bed. Luke, having heard the lock click, burst into my room as soon as he could.

"Jai?" He questioned and I turned my head to look at him. "Are you okay? You've been locked in here for two days now..."

I just shrugged at him.

"Why aren't you talking to me? Are you mad at me? Please say something, Jai!" Luke begged.

I just shrugged at him again.

"Jai!" Luke screamed.

"M'fine." I whispered. Luke looked at me in disbelief. 3...2....

"There's no way you're fine. You've locked yourself in your room for two days straight! That isn't healthy, and you've barely said one word to me to top it off."

"I.." I started to say who knows what. I don't really know how to respond. I just feel so depressed that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

"You what, Jai? Talk to me." Luke said in desperation.

"I don't know!" I screamed and started pulling my hair in frustration. "I don't know, Luke! I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to stay in here and not deal with everything."

"Why?" Luke was seriously pushing my buttons. I kept on pulling my hair, trying to keep myself sane.

"Because!" I know I probably seemed crazy at this point. "I never wanted you guys to know! I'm pathetic for being this sad just because I felt unloved...just so pathetic..."

"You're not pathetic, Jai." Luke said slowly. "You're feelings matter. I know you don't view the way you feel as important, but it's so important. It's my fault for letting it go this far. It was supposed to be Luke and Jai against the world, but I...I let you down big time. I left you all alone and now you're a shell of the you I know. I've lost you and I don't know what to do."

"Luke-" I start, but Luke interrupted me.

"Don't you dare say that you're fine, because we both know you're not!"

"Okay I'm not." I admit. "I'm sad and I can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. The worst part is that I'm breaking on the inside and it's slowly killing me."

"Jai, why don't you let me help you?" Luke begged.

"Because it's too late for that...I'm too far gone."

"No. You're not, Jai." Luke stared me deeply in the eyes. "I think you want help, but you've just been alone for too long and now you don't know how to accept it."

"I-" I couldn't finish what I was saying. I dropped my head in my hands with a heavy sigh. I don't think that Luke CAN help me at this point. I feel like I'm falling into a deep abyss and that I have no way out. Luke can't save me. I know he can't.

"Please Jai?" I stared deeply into Luke's eyes. Mirror images of my own, yet so different at the same time. I could see exactly what he was feeling reflected back at me. Intense worry and grief. Deep hurt and self hatred for not noticing anything sooner.

"Ok." I hold my breathe as he suddenly attacked me in a hug. That's weird in itself. Luke doesn't usually hug me if he doesn't have to.

"You won't regret this, Jai. I'm here for you now. So, I want to hear every bad thought you think from now on. I know you're very vulnerable and filled with insecurity right now, but trust me on the fact that I'm going to change that!"

What have I gotten myself into?!